I think I just managed not to cry at the gym Monday. It was still a challenge though. All week, to be honest, my emotions have been a challenge. I just haven’t had my usual strength, and keeping tears in check and dealing with social or administrative conversations have been trickier than usual. I feel better than I did, but I’m still weepy on and off. It’s hard.

One or two people commented to me about the tearful gym photos and sad girl hugging her penguin pics I posted on social media. It is never my intention to seek sympathy. What use is sympathy to anyone? Nor would I delight in, “You ok hun? Message me.” Just makes me cringe. Those who know me well are already in touch on such days. The ones who I really matter to. To be honest, they are probably already concerned for me. So why do I put myself out there when I look and feel so wretched? Very simple. I want others to know that it’s ok not to be ok.

I’m not some picture of perfection social media influencer. I am real, even on my worst days. And as I have bipolar, EUBPD and chronic pain there will always be difficult days. I’m not about painting the world a picture my imaginary perfect life, but am all for honesty, integrity and straight talking. And if someone can identify with, for example, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and into the gym on a tearful day, then amazing. If someone did something equally challenging on a bad day because they saw I did, fantastic. Sometimes days are easy and fun, others are tough. That’s just life. But whether I’m out and achieving stuff, or tucked up in bed having a rest day, I’m me and I’m real and I don’t post stuff that makes me look better just for effect.

I have been told before that I have a tendency to over share. I am aware. Topics of conversations I’ve had this week include; my decreased boob size, boudoir photography, swinging clubs, sports bras, wedding veils and women’s rights to an abortion. For starters. I know I’m quite blatant. Unapologetically so. Apparently I have no filter. I will also admit to dropping the F-bomb too often, but conversationally rather than offensively. If that makes sense.

I guess I believe my contribution is equally important regardless of my mood. I no longer feel the need to make myself less, or more, to please others and fit their box. From here on I’ll just be me, doing me things 😊