I’ve been wanting to write this all week, and yet I’ve been procrastinating. I think mainly because I don’t want my dear friend to think I hold her in anyway responsible for my struggles. I truly loved every moment of being with her as her beautiful daughter was married last week. It was a privilege and an honour.

However, my anxiety was off the scale. I didn’t really know anyone outside the immediate wedding party, and obviously they were preoccupied. My friend took time to introduce me to people, but still I was painfully awkward and couldn’t think of a single topic of conversation. I spent considerable time sitting alone, just quietly watching the celebrations, not at all perturbed by my own company. In fact it was a relief to be able to stop trying so hard. And still failing.

Things, from my point of view were also exacerbated by the fact I knew my fiancé was in a bad mood, and obviously I believed this must be my fault. (A particularly destructive throwback to a marriage where I was constantly blamed for everything imaginable). My other half was due to be joining me for the evening reception, something I was desperately looking forward to, so I wouldn’t have to isolate myself or attempt more awkward small talk with people I didn’t know.

I felt that having made my best effort (it honestly was) to be sociable, I was absolutely exhausted emotionally and just wanted my big man to give me a huge bear hug and tell me everything was going to be ok now.

The evening was really very enjoyable. I was even briefly enticed onto the dance floor, but as I have made no secret previously, come 11pm, I am liable to turn into a pumpkin. My brains turn to mush and my cognitive processing rapidly evaporates. So we headed off to our room a little before the end of the celebrations and despite being in a new place, I slept reasonably well.

We were up fairly early for breakfast, which was delicious, and we exchanged pleasantries with other wedding guests, as well as catching up with my lovely friend before heading back to Martin’s for the weekend.

I didn’t realise he’d invited his friend to join him for the weekend too. And that’s absolutely not a problem. Normally. I didn’t even foresee it being a problem this time. But I didn’t fully realise at that point how much the wedding had taken out of me. It was only at dinner time when faced with a stressed fiancé with hands full of hot plates of food, while I just stared at him blankly, that I began to realise that not all was well. My brain refused to process what the heck I was supposed to do. I could hear the frustrated tones of Martin, and all that happened was my eyes prickled with tears and I started to hyperventilate. He must have put the food somewhere because he came to me and told me to stand up. I actually didn’t know if I could. I had jelly legs and my head was swimming. He held me to him.

Usually I can manage my anxiety through controlled breathing, but this big, overwhelming panic attack absolutely caught me out. I was emotionally exhausted and unable to do a damn thing. And all in front of Martin’s friend who has no real understanding of the varied ways my mental illness affects me. I felt like an absolute freak show.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anxiety. Is it part of my bipolar? My EUBPD? A throwback to past trauma? Probably all the above. And as I’ve mentioned previously I’m not entirely convinced I don’t have undiagnosed ASD traits. It would account for the social awkwardness, the hit and miss cognitive processing, being prone to sensory overload, the need for structure and routine. Oh and anxiety.

So reflecting on these events, I have a lingering niggle. Am I going to be able to cope, emotionally, at my own wedding at the end of the year? There’s no doubt it is going to be a very long and full-on occasion. I am mad excited for it, but I have put it to Martin that likely I will need to just rest and recoup for however long after. Literally bed rest if necessary.

I forget sometimes that a year ago, I hadn’t even met Martin. Despite not being able to imagine now a time that we weren’t a part of each other. We’re still learning each other’s little idiosyncrasies. It takes time. But there’s no one else I’d rather be with. And talking of people I can’t be without; the lovely friend, aforementioned, with the newly married daughter, is to be my best lady on my wedding day. Hand-picked for her ability to keep me calm in any given situation. My awesome son is giving me away. So I know I have the finest team around me, and ultimately I will just have to deal with each challenge as they present themselves. And be patient with myself.

👼🏻