I know it’s another long lockdown. I know everyone is struggling. But just for the record, I feel mentally and emotionally vulnerable. Not at immediate risk, but not great either. Sometimes I can’t be there even for my closest friends, and this was proved recently when I walked away from a friendship to protect my own mental well-being. I have EUBPD, my emotions are characteristically huge and unregulated. I’m an empath, so I find it incredibly difficult to detach from situations and feelings of others. In short, I am struggling to cope with things going on around me currently. With respect, please think twice before you share stuff with me. If it’s emotive, there’s a good chance it will be problematic.

I don’t watch TV. I occasionally watch programmes I want to see on my tablet on catch up, but I have no desire to be bombarded by what is scheduled day in day out. I particularly do not watch news or current affairs programmes, because I find it utterly overwhelming. I’m not in anyway imagining that if I don’t watch it, it isn’t happening, I’m just prioritising my own mental health. It has served me well for a number of years now. I only listen to radio when I’m driving, and I don’t access news websites/apps. Usually the most important news filters through on to my social media, but at the moment it seems it is every other story. Covid is literally everywhere. Facebook is not currently an easy place to be, but on the flip side it is an important tool in keeping me in touch with friends and family. I stress again, I’m not burying my head in the sand, I’m just not coping with the media swamp.

I know my depression is bad because I’ve no appetite. Except that is when I take my Quetiapine at night, which is notorious for making one hungry. I can quite happily go all day, oblivious to the fact I haven’t eaten. My fluid intake is probably pretty suspect too. For me the difference between milder and more severe depression is defined by appetite. Mildly depressed, want to eat everything in sight. Severely depressed, no appetite and often feeling slightly nauseous. I only realised when I noticed I was dizzy when I stood up or bent down and innocently wondered why. I work so hard on my self care in other areas yet I can’t even manage to feed myself regularly. Hopeless.

In more normal times, self care looks more appealing; meeting friends for food or coffee, getting my hair and nails done, going to choir, having an occasional hotel night or short break. Currently it looks like pushing myself to eat and remembering to take a bath. Since when did the basics become so difficult? Since when did having an in person conversation or a hug become a luxury? I say this a lot, I know, but as humans we were not designed to be solitary. We’re supposed to be sociable. I totally understand the need to protect from the virus, but that undeniably equates to risking my mental health. I don’t have any answers.

I’m aware I stated in my previous writing that I would talk more about my return to the crap dating site. I haven’t forgotten. Just still mulling things over.

Take care. Thanks for reading 👼🏻