I’ve drunk too much. I should remember in future, that just because I can fit half a bottle of wine in my large gin glass, it doesn’t mean I should. And actually it wasn’t one of my better plans. I struggle with depression and too much alcohol makes me cry.

So reflecting on this being the weekend I had planned to have a plush hotel stay and a huge party for my birthday was probably also unwise. I remember putting the idea to the man named Dave, how I planned to book us a room for the weekend, get some spa treatments in, have a huge birthday party on the Saturday evening and leave after breakfast Sunday. Given he always liked to be in control, and he never liked to give the impression that we were a couple; I took the fact that he didn’t say no immediately as a good sign. Whether he’d have actually seen it through is a completely different matter, but I was living in hope.

Until I left him.

We had exchanged the odd message since our saying goodnight to one another in October. Always initiated by me, I’ll admit. And on Sunday we were having quite a nice, light hearted little chat on WhatsApp. Until I admitted I still want him. And he dodged the subject completely. It all came back to me like a flood, his perfect ability to leave me wondering. I’d temporarily forgotten that way he has of making me question everything, especially myself. And as soon as the conversation becomes emotive he ducks out.

I should cut communication with him totally. But guess what? I still love him. I’ve tried so hard not to. Tried to distract myself with other guys. Tried committing to just focusing on myself. But despite everything he’s put me through, I’m struggling to keep away. He always said I wouldn’t leave him because the sex was too good, but it’s absolutely not just the sex. It’s the laughs, the cuddles, the lazy breakfasts, the cups of tea, the chats, the trust, the care, the friendship, the outings, the dynamic, the smooches, and yes, the sex. I miss him being my person. Three times I’ve left, twice I’ve returned. He’s not good for me, he messes with my head. But I love him and life feels empty without him. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Can’t live with him, can’t live without him. What to do?