When I last wrote, I was awaiting a call from my doctor, or at least the pleasant doctor standing in for mine. It was decided she would contact my former psychiatrist as she was inclined to concur that perhaps currently I need more support and potentially a tweak in my medication. She reassured me that I had done the right thing in asking for help, and was impressed at how hard I had fought to hang in for this long, and with the self care measures I had in place.

Those of you who know me personally may have seen what I posted on Facebook that day. Mostly friends were supportive but I’m always wary of replies beginning, “I don’t want to put a downer on things….” I was depressed already, maybe that was the thinking? It’s so hard to stay positive though when told there’s a 9 month wait for treatment. This is still unconfirmed as the doctor promised she would contact me after she’d heard from the shrink, and as yet there’s no news.

So this week I am finally on my annual escape to Butlins (only 5 months after it was originally booked for). I did hesitate whether being away from home, alone, when quite low was sensible, but although still depressed I think the fresh air and sea view have definitely perked me up. Sunny Bognor Regis by the sea has not failed to deliver. Again. I have mainly stayed in my hotel room, popping out some mealtimes, but I did have a very slow, very gentle walk along the seafront yesterday. I found a kiosk open where I could both purchase and consume a cup of tea and take in the view and the people passing. I took my bridge camera out with me and just snapped whatever caught my eye. Sea, sky, pebbles, a curious adolescent seagull. I’ve so enjoyed the sky recently, incredible cloud formations, amazing sunsets, and wondrous patterns of light. It’s humbling and grounding to allow the enormity of the sky astound me over and over.

I have also spent a good amount of time thinking. At the end of the month I have an initial mini consultation with a plastic surgeon with a view to having my breasts reduced. It’s something I’ve considered for a very long time and have said for many years that I would do when I had the means. In theory I will soon have the means and in light of a conversation with an NHS breast surgeon about 4 years ago, I am currently in the place where I am very seriously considering having the surgery for health reasons. It is not something I would do lightly, I’m very overweight so even the anaesthetic would be a risk. But I will go with my questions and then I’ll decide.

I also started thinking about my friend Dave. It was recently two years since our first date, an anniversary he refused to acknowledge. I confronted him again recently as to whether he would consider progressing our relationship into the realms of ‘serious’, ‘committed’. Again he declined, stating as always he can’t do commitment and he didn’t want to hurt me. No amount of reassuring him made a difference. He was adamant. With massive sadness we have parted company on amicable terms. I will be putting myself through the hell that is online dating once more. As much as I would love to have stayed friends with Dave, it would have been impossible for me to move on, and it would’ve been utterly unfair on whoever I go on to meet. The dynamic with Dave is such that if we ever met as friends, we would have ended up in bed. No question. Sexually we were a perfect fit.

After a truly emotionally charged online exchange between us, I was, for a while, inconsolable. During this time a friend had messaged me unaware of the circumstances. I explained where I was at, but never a fan of Dave, he decided to twist the knife. And additionally he has an ongoing joke about me being ‘a bit special’ and talks to me like I’m stupid. Well funnily enough I was not in the mood for said joke, which has been wearing thin for a time now anyway. And as mild as I usually am, I told him where to go. I just wanted him to back off, but despite apologising for swearing at him, he massively took offence and disappeared, threatening I wouldn’t hear from him again. I was not as you can imagine, in a good place. I lost two of my closest friends in one evening and I have sobbed intermittently throughout today.

However, tomorrow is another day and I’ll be back in Winchester after an interesting week beside the seaside. Oh and guess who has a date already? Onwards and upwards.