Just when I thought things were going swimmingly with the new bloke, yet another spanner got thrown in the works. I honestly don't know why I expect any better these days. I swear my life is cursed. As much as I try to stay upbeat and not feel sorry for myself, sometimes I just think, you know what, I've been through far too much shit for one lifetime. And I'm not even old. Really.
My counsellor is on holiday (if ever there was a time I could really do with seeing him), oh and I received the news last week that my 1:1 sessions at Mind with my wonderful support worker Liz are to cease by September. I'm not feeling confident at all about a future with reduced support right now. I'm only seeing my (useless) care coordinator monthly now and that's mostly pretty unhelpful. I'm scared I'm going to end up in crisis again. I'm just hoping I will feel a little more positive when my counsellor returns from holiday.
Anyway, back to the bloke. I was so content, thinking I'd actually found someone who really cared about me. Yeah right. After spending the day with him last week, I was tidying up my bedroom, and as I was about to do my online grocery shop I checked the drawer to see if I needed to restock the condom supply. I was fairly confident there should have been plenty, but something made me double check.
Discovering some missing turned me into a bit of a crazy bitch for a time. First I pulled both the drawers out the bedside. Then I moved the bed. Checked the bins. I messaged my very good friend, "I know I'm prone to paranoia, but can you think of a logical reason why your so-called boyfriend would steal condoms from your drawer unless he's screwing someone else?!" She couldn't think of another reason either.
I was utterly floored. In disbelief. I cried a veritable river. I had trusted him with my poor battered heart and yet again it has been trampled by an unscrupulous bastard. In the two days it had taken me to decide what to say to him I went through indescribable pain and all the time I never heard a word from him. Finally I simply sent him a text message saying, "So I hope you enjoyed my condoms, don't contact me again." And he hasn't. I'm still totally reeling from it all. The endless lies.
While I'd been with him I had received a message from a guy I had met earlier this year. I'd politely told him I was with someone now. However finding myself single again I couldn't resist letting him know that, and consequently we spent a very pleasant evening together. It was almost certainly a one off, but it definitely cheered me up, albeit fleetingly.
I was just beginning to feel less tearful when I suddenly felt like I'd been whacked round the face with a baseball bat after lunch yesterday. I ended up seeing an out of hours doctor who diagnosed parotitis (inflammation/infection of the salivary glands). I've started antibiotics but heck it's painful. I've been trying not to just feel completely miserable, given the circumstances, but it's hard. Am doing my best to keep depression at bay, but my mind keeps wandering through the catalogue of disasters that has been my life. The only good thing right now is my amazing boy, but even that is tinged with sadness that I'm not well enough to have him living back home with me. He's currently on holiday abroad with his foster family. On his return I'm hoping he'll be able to perform a miracle on my currently defunct iPad, so I can write a little more comfortably. Heaven knows what I'd do if I didn't have my blog to pour everything out on….
Thanks for reading 👼🏻