Please forgive the uninspired title, I seem to have mislaid my creative head at the moment. I think to some extent that goes with having the increased dose of mood stabiliser, whilst it’s doing a wonderful job of stopping my high and risky behaviours, it tends to leave me a tad on the flat side. I noticed that when I first started taking it, and have seen it again since my new doctor increased the dose. I have still had a couple of fairly low spells since the increase too, although fairly brief (for me) so it’s no miracle cure, but I think on the whole I’m doing ok. Which is always good.

I have found myself back in a caring role; this time to my father, who we have discovered needs kidney dialysis. Understandably scared, he is looking to me for a lot of emotional support right now, which is hard when my own mental health exists on a knife edge much of the time. He also recently had minor surgery on his hand, so had to stay with me a couple of nights. I don’t begrudge looking after him, not a bit, I just find it mentally and physically draining, and it has been my therapeutic activities, such as going to choir, that have become eased out of my schedule, due to sheer fatigue, and that tends to spell trouble for me in the long run. I feel I have no option but to support my father, he has no one else, but losing my self care pursuits is a slippery slope. When it comes to needing help, he is too proud to accept it from external agencies, but refuses to acknowledge the harm it does me. It has a huge knock on effect to my contact time with my son. I have been exhausted the last few weekends, which leaves me anxious, tearful, and able to do little else than sit in the same room as him, trying desperately to concentrate on what he’s telling me. I infuriate him, because I zone out, or have to go and rest in my room. I’d be frustrated too.

A huge part of my life, and key source of support has always been the church I attend. I have made no secret of the fact that I have been wavering in my faith the last year or two, but I seem to have hit an all time low right now. Our minister has left and I have been struggling with this. Although I had my differences with him from time to time, I feel the church politics surrounding his departure lacks honesty and integrity, and that the propaganda machine has been wheeled out to silence the doubters. I guess part of me resents being likened to a ‘stupid sheep’. I’ve been a part of the church’s history for over 30 years yet I’m not supposed to recognise when history repeats itself. And I really dislike being silenced for daring to have an opinion. With things as they are, I feel bereft and out of sorts. My therapist has picked up on it and sees that I need to come to some sort of resolution, all I can see is how being a part of our church right now is harming my mental health, and I could probably do with a breather.

I guess the one real positive in my life at the moment is the new relationship. I’m trying hard not to make that my be all and end all, but it has given me hope when other things are difficult. It isn’t without its challenges; believing someone could be attracted to me, like my crazy personality and rather off the wall sense of humour, and love me warts and all is a huge revelation after being alone for so long. And especially when I don’t feel very lovable thanks to depression or anxiety. The distance between us means he’s not just on the doorstep if I’m having a wobble, and in my dark moments I worry if he’s faithful, or if he’ll find someone better than me. The upside to a bit of distance means that we particularly cherish our precious times together. We are relaxed, natural, around each other, as we chatter, laugh, love, drink tea and put the world to rights. It’s as if we found something in each other that’s like coming home.

I have been proactive and booked myself on a couple of courses that are run by the mental health trust recovery college. I’m particularly looking forward to ‘Growing your Self Belief’. I think it’s just what I need right now, and alongside my ongoing work with my counsellor, hopefully it will help. I think with all that has been going on with my father and with the church, I needed something positive for me, and maybe this will be good. It’s something other to focus on than the new relationship, but that will hopefully also benefit it in the long run.

I changed my relationship status on Facebook recently from ‘widowed’. It felt like a massive step leaving that behind, as obviously widowhood has been a huge part of my identity in recent years, but being ‘in a relationship’ much better reflects where my head is at right now. I think that’s positive. People’s reactions were interesting; well, to be fair those who reacted were lovely, but it was not unnoticed the many who remained silent. It’s as well I don’t rely on the approval of others for my happiness, because like it or not, right now Mr R is making me very happy. And despite the various ongoing health, and other challenges I still face, I feel optimistic.
Thanks for reading.
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