I’m an idiot. A stupid, gullible, desperate, idiot. To all those who reminded me, “If it seems to good to be true it probably is”, well, you were right; it was. To the friends who tried to warn me, and cover my back; I’m sorry. I was just so needy for male company, and heaven forbid – love, that I was pretty much blinded to your logic. I hung on the every word of a pathological liar for the last three months instead of believing the friends who care about me. 

If I’m honest, I knew deep down it was too good to be true. I was just in love with the idea of being in love. It made me smile. I’d felt happier than I had in ages. It was like a drug. But like so many other drugs, I was hooked before I even realised. I made excuses for my (and especially his) behaviour. He justified to me, I justified to those who cared about me. I was utterly deceived and caught up in his web of lies.

Sitting last night and reflecting with my son how I had been cleverly sucked in, told all the things I needed to hear, and been effectively gaslighted whenever the doubts crept in, I could plainly see how I had been utterly manipulated by this man who professed that ‘I was the best thing that had ever happened to him’.

I guess I should be thankful I realised when I did that he was con man before he sucked me in any further and I actually parted with any cash. But I’m not. I wanted, more than anything, to feel something other than unlovable and too broken to be in a relationship. I wanted to believe that there was actually a man out there who could love me, insecurities and all, who wasn’t a psychopath. Some hope.

All I can say, in conclusion, (before I disappear off to have yet another cry) is that there are some evil bastards around. Preying on a widow is one thing. Preying on someone with mental health issues and a history of abusive relationships is another. Targeting someone who’s been through both (and still living with the mental illness and effects of the others) is downright cruel. I may not be in a great place right now, but I had a lucky escape. And I’m still standing.

Love to all 👼🏼