Last year I started HRT in the form of oestrogen gel. The consequences were disastrous. It was recorded on my medical notes as an adverse reaction and my doctor recommended I steer clear of similar products in future for the sake of my mental stability. Over a year on, I paid him a visit recently to reconsider my options.

On investigation he discovered that my original hormone treatment had been prescribed not by him, but by one of his colleagues. He asked if I’d started straight on that dose. I had. He was surprised and said it seemed quite high for a starting dose. We went through all my menopause symptoms and my fears for potentially developing Alzheimer’s in the future (as my mother did).

I explained to him that when I’d started HRT previously I was quite newly married. My husband had not long moved in with me. And it had been a time of huge change and upheaval. I went on to tell him that the actual week I’d started the hormones I had fallen out with my husband and we were barely speaking. My home didn’t feel like home anymore, due in no small part to the presence of two tiny psychopaths in adorable feline form.

I said if ever there was a time I was going to be depressed; it was then. Sitting, crying on a bench in the park in the rain or wandering aimlessly around the neighbourhood made perfect sense to me in the midst of my low mood when I felt so at odds in my own flat.

It is an episode, thankfully we have moved on from as a couple. The depression subsided when the meds stopped and the kittens were rehomed.

I was criticised from certain quarters for stopping HRT so soon. “It takes a while to get used to it, you know!” I’m not stupid, but neither do I wish to die. Keeping my bipolar disorder stable will always be my priority. As it is my doctor’s. And rightly so. If my mood is disordered my life is at risk. End of.

But menopause continues to take its toll on my body. Hence my desire to at least discuss things again with my doctor now I’m in a more settled place.

Last year by day 6 I was on the phone to the GP practice begging for help as my reaction to HRT, a deep, suicidal depression had well and truly taken hold of me. So to reach day 7 today feels like a win. This time I opted for patches rather than gel. I wasn’t sure if I’d remember as it’s a twice weekly application rather than daily, but so far so good. I put on patch 3 this morning.

And I’m doing ok. No suicidal thoughts. No crying in the park. No verbally lashing out at Martin. Who has been checking in with me daily to ensure I’m alright. In fact I feel relatively chipper. I feel a bit more alert, especially in the mornings. I have more clarity of thought. My skin looks clearer. Thermo regulation is improved. And although I’m not expecting miracles overnight, the signs so far seem promising. Time will doubtless tell.