Recently I haven’t felt right. I couldn’t put my finger on if it was a physical or a mental cause. I’ve been waking up late, despite having had a decent night’s sleep. Feeling particularly unmotivated and uninspired. I’ve done barely anything toward my assorted craft projects. I’ve stared a lot at my phone. I have been reading an actual book which seems to be something I generally only do on holiday these days. And while enjoying a book is obviously a positive, it doesn’t require the creativity my crafting does, which definitely sums up how I’m doing.

I’ve been a little low and tearful. Not constantly, but from time to time. I’ve had some of the classic mental thoughts that visit me at these moments. Again; fleetingly, not like the bad old days, pre-lithium.

And my IBS has been awful. There were days when I felt so weak and washed out, I did absolutely nothing. But dash to the toilet. Sorry TMI. Considering my diet is fairly good currently, with sticking to a calorie deficit, my poor tummy really shouldn’t be this bad. Difficult to gauge if the IBS was a result of stress or the stress was a result of the IBS. I endured some enforced rest anyway.

Trying to stick to a healthy-ish diet when my mentals are squiddly is always a challenge. First, my hearts desire is to eat ALL the cake. And chocolate. And then because I CBA to cook, let’s have a takeaway! But I’ve pretty much stayed on track. I do make sure I work some occasional treats into my calories, otherwise I would just give up. But it’s also important for me to remember, that an odd day of a few extra rogue calories isn’t going to ruin everything. So long as it doesn’t become the norm.

As an aside, let me talk a little about protein. As part of my daily intake I endeavour to consume as much protein as possible. I snack on Grenade protein bars sometimes. Have a protein yogurt or shake for breakfast. Or eat chicken, eggs or fish for my lunch or dinner. For me this has little to do with building muscle, although some of my program involves resistance work. For me it has everything to do with the qualities of protein as a macronutrient. It keeps you full for longer, which means less incentive to snack an hour after eating it (which was constantly occurring when I ate cereal bars). Also it doesn’t make you pumped (unless you’re doing that kind of exercise) I’m not! And unlike foods high in carbs or fat that the body will store as fat if they’re not needed there and then for fuel, excess protein is simply excreted from the body if surplus to requirements. Having a Grenade bar is good enough to fool my body into thinking it’s had a chocolate bar. Yet it’s low sugar and high protein. Win-win. Anyways, back to the subject in hand.

I’ve had to really push myself to get to the gym recently. Today was a breakthrough day. After so many days of feeling like I might actually die during my exercise, today I felt strong again. I always take gym selfies, for accountability and to remind myself when I’m feeling rubbish. My recent photos I’ve looked rough; tired, pale, old. Today I saw a difference, something in my eyes, my skin, my demeanour.

I’ve also been walking with Martin most days. It was always about building up his fitness so he can walk to the station of a morning when he starts his job next month. The side effect has been my increased mobility. Yes, I still get back pain and stumble sometimes, but less. And I’m not desperately breathless. The combination of twice weekly workouts and regular walks has definitely had a positive effect on my health and fitness.

And I guess that’s the thing. When you feel least like doing it, that’s probably when you need it the most. When creating a healthy meal or doing exercise feels the most impossible, that’s when the benefit is greatest. And it’s not even necessarily instant reward. But it’s the consistency, the determination that will ultimately pay off. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen. And you’ll feel stronger