I always go to Butlin’s in May to escape, as much as possible, the sad anniversaries of my first wedding and my late husband’s birthday. I haven’t succeeded on being away for either of the actual significant dates for some time now, but the break seems to help in what can be quite a challenging time of year. The last two years Martin has gone with me, and he did again this year. But it’s my thing, not his. And he didn’t seem overly happy to be there with me this time, which I think added to my feeling of being unsettled. The kids (and parents) seemed less well behaved than ever. And irritating! Butlin’s, as a resort felt decidedly tired and shabby. Even the hotel I always stay in had lost its sparkle.

I did make inquiries about potentially going back alone next May. But that was as far as it got. I was told Butlin’s no longer accept single adult guests, unless attending an adults-only break, or if I knew a family with children I could tag along with them. The insinuation is that if you’re a lone adult you pose a risk to children. Which frankly is pretty offensive. Butlin’s has been a safe place for me to go, with or without my child (now grown up), friend, partner or family member(s) for many years. I’ve often described it as my second home. I don’t really understand how I’m more of a menace alone, than if I attend with my husband. Weirdly I don’t become some monster when unaccompanied.

Oh well. So consequently I’m not booked for next year. My booking for October with Penny, my best friend, remains. I will see how I feel then.

We were booked Monday to Friday, and by Thursday I asked Martin if he’d be happy to go home. My son was feeding our cat, and I was upset that she’d hidden herself away and didn’t even bother with her food. I didn’t like to think of her unhappy. Add to that our general dissatisfaction and the decision was made. So we had our spa treatments Thursday, had dinner, and trundled home. It didn’t help that we were staying away again over the weekend for a family event.

Anyone who knows me knows how I struggle with social interaction. I spent the duration of the family party trying not to lose the plot and trying not to say the wrong thing (I should never be trusted with secrets as I have no filter). I made polite chit chat with various friends and family of my in-laws, some of whom I recognised and some I didn’t. I made it through and Martin only once had to tell me to be nice! But I was absolutely drained. I can’t explain to others what an ordeal a room full of people and the expectation to mingle and look like I’m enjoying myself is. You either get it or you don’t. Martin has his own anxieties, but doesn’t comprehend mine. Hence the following day more family visits ensued.

By the time we got home I was exhausted and tearful. In the subsequent days my mood slumped. Everything seemed to be getting on top of me. Literally all I could do was survive.

That week my car got fixed (after some inconsiderate driver scraped the back bumper in our residents’ car park and failed to leave their details). It is looking great, but no doubt I’ll suffer next year when my insurance premium goes up because I had to claim.

And I also saw a psychiatrist, for the first time since, I think, 2018. The appointment had been sent through because when I changed GP practices last year (I think) no shared care agreement had ever been completed. The relevant form took about two minutes; name, signature, date. The appointment however lasted 40 minutes, as we discussed my life, illness, diagnosis, and whether or not I’d benefit from an autism assessment. Interestingly it came up that I’d previously been given a secondary diagnosis of EUBPD and he asked why that had been. At first I laughed and said I had no clue! I then stated I believed it was because I had pink hair, 17 visible piercings and some tattoos at the time of diagnosis and that seemed to be the criteria. Plus childhood trauma and a tendency to be a bit histrionic when depressed. He said he didn’t believe I had BPD. Not sure that means it won’t be on my notes anymore or not. I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with such a down to earth, genuine, approachable and kind psychiatrist. I felt heard and valued.

I ended the month with a flare up of the infection in two of my back teeth. I could sense it was already migrating into my sinuses again, and the tooth was absolutely throbbing. I managed to get a dentist appointment swiftly, and was prescribed antibiotics. They finish in a day or two. In a lot less pain now, but still feeling rough.

May has been a lot. There’s more but that’s for another day. Hoping June will be brighter.