When we were dating, it was Martin who said, “I love you” first. I knew I loved him, I just didn’t want to seem too eager to say it. Although why it mattered, I’m not sure now. I also knew already that he loved me. From our first meeting we’d just clicked and there was an easiness about our relationship, like we’d known each other for years. In reality, it’s not even three years yet since our first meeting at Dobbies. We’d chatted online for about a week before we met. That was the July. By November he’d proposed to me. And I didn’t hesitate to accept, although it was quick. It felt like we’d be together forever anyway, so we may as well get on with it. Life is too damn short.

The following year we planned and organised the wedding. It was kind of chaotic, but fun. And it flew by. The wedding was wonderful, but fraught with emotions.

After the big day we threw ourselves into clearing Martin’s flat ready for moving out, and emptying Chris’ room here, plus lots of my furniture to make space for Martin’s stuff. I had new carpets, new wardrobes and a new bed. Had three rooms decorated. Martin’s flat was decorated and deep cleaned. We spent the first four months of last year working our socks off getting everything done in both locations. It was exhausting.

Martin moved in here in the May and although on paper it made the most sense, I still feel he resents having to give up his flat. It’s only very recently I’ve noticed he doesn’t say so often that he doesn’t know where to find things. It’s been difficult for us both. I’m so used to things being my way. And I’m quite autistic about certain tools for certain jobs, things having a particular place and doing things in a specific way. But I’m trying so hard not to nitpick, because at the end of the day, I still 100% believe we’re better together.

My concern was always that we’d end up in a toxic, comorbid relationship, given both our past trauma and mental health issues. I think we both struggle with each other when we’re most depressed, but mostly we get by.

Certainly from my point of view, I want things to work out for us. I don’t give up easily and I can’t imagine us ever being apart, but time will tell. I feel like we could both improve on our conflict resolution skills, not that we’ve needed them often thankfully. But the ability to work through problems and find solutions together is key to a successful relationship. We’ll get there.

Is our marriage perfect? Sadly not. But it’s not through a lack of love. I will keep loving Martin intentionally and unconditionally through the challenges. And hopefully before too long things will look a little brighter for us.