For certain people you will never be enough.

If you’ve spent your adult life wondering why you never feel good enough, the chances are that a significant person in your life, be it parent, spouse or other close friend/relative is toxic and/or narcissistic and has constantly undermined your best efforts. That plants the fault firmly with them, not with you.

I’ve written before about the toxic, punitive brand of 70s parenting that I, and many of my peers grew up with. I was an incredibly well behaved child and performed well at school. Yet my mother ensured I’d never get too big for my boots by repeatedly not celebrating my achievements and by sowing seeds of doubt as to whether I could have done better. If I got great results in 9/10 of my school subjects, she’d major on the one I struggled with.

If that one person you were so eager to please, especially in your childhood years could only see your flaws, your weaknesses, your shortcomings; I repeat, they were the problem, not you.

When you get your head around this concept, it makes life so much easier. You can begin to focus on your own happiness, and not aiming to please those who will never be satisfied. Grasp the concept that they will find fault because they are incapable of being kind and decent people. It’s about their own unhappiness. It’s not about you!

Such people enjoy the control that is associated with you trying to please them. When you start to care less about their responses, they will probably up the ante to get a reaction from you. Take a deep breath and metaphorically walk away. In my experience it is easier if you can actually put some physical distance between the two of you. Phone less, visit less, interact less. Don’t give them an excuse to actually lay into you, just keep everything nice and civil, and get on with your life.

Take back the power. Don’t run to them if you have a problem. Deal with it. Show them you can be strong and capable when they’re not tearing you down. The less opportunity you give them to belittle you, the better. Start believing in yourself. You’re strong and smart and resilient and resourceful and brave. But most of all you are lovable. And you’re deserving of love. And good things.