This is a difficult one for me. My parents had two boys before I was born. The youngest of my brothers died within hours of his birth. My mother always told me that she was never given any explanation as to the cause of his death. Only that had he have survived he’d have been severely mentally and physically disabled, and that babies like him would normally abort naturally long before their due date.

When I found out at a much later date that there were theories as to his death spread by my older brother, frankly I was shocked. But then my older brother is both deluded and a liar, so I took those rumours with a pinch of salt. My truth is this; I will never know.

I was often told as a child that I would not have been born if my brother Michael had survived. I grew up with a sense of guilt because of that. And I think it’s fair to say that it’s possible to grieve for someone you never met because I carried a sadness with me, I guess I still do, for the brother I never had the chance to know.

I have no contact with my older brother. Which is sad, but it is as it is. Firstly, I don’t hate him, I never did, in fact deep down I still care about him, but preserving my own sanity is my priority. He showed his true colours when our Dad was in hospital prior to his death. He couldn’t accept Dad was only receiving palliative care, but he had sustained a catastrophic brain injury. If he had survived we’d been told he wouldn’t be able to walk or talk. And my brother decided we could care for him between us. I told him not to include me in his plans. I can barely look after myself, let alone someone with a brain injury.

He refused to accept that I was Dad’s attorney and not him. He told the medical team that I was too mental to undertake the role and that they should take instruction from him. They ignored him and told me what he was up to. Also at this time, my brother tried to coerce me into a plan to get Dad’s will changed to his favour. Claiming that all he’s ever done is protect me. Which hit hard as he was the first abusive male in my childhood. It was rapidly coming back to me just why I’ve spent most of my adult life avoiding him.

The day our Dad died my brother started helping himself to the contents of his sheds. When I said he needed to wait until probate he casually waved a WW2 bayonet at me and asked what I planned to do about it.

The first week after Dad died my brother spammed me with 2000+ messages, many abusive. He also sent 1500+ messages to my teenage son. Including one particular gem that said along the lines of, “I bet you were so pleased to go into care to get away from your mother!”

My brother kicked off at the funeral directors. He kicked off at the solicitor I employed to execute the will. He told my solicitor I had breast cancer (I didn’t). He also started a rumour that I’d been disqualified from driving due to driving my car the wrong way up the motorway, none of which was true. His pièce de résistance was pulling the mental card again, claiming he was planning to make a legal challenge to my capacity to execute the will. It forced the solicitor to arrange a capacity test for me with a private doctor so they could counter any legal challenge. The doctor apologised to me, stating, “I have no idea why your capacity is in doubt. I’m so sorry I’ve have to put you through this.”

My brother sat sneering at me as I did a reading at Dad’s funeral. When I tried to reach out to him after, he had a go at me. My friend, and the funeral director walked me off in one direction, while his daughter and mate walked him off in the other.

The last contact I had with him was when he borrowed somebody else’s phone to verbally abuse me some more. I already had his number and messenger blocked. It was at the time I sold Dad’s bungalow. I hung up on him after a spell of listening to the same old poison. He is toxic and I refuse to put myself through that. While it makes me sad that my second closest living relative is estranged, I will not tolerate his lies and gaslighting. He’s a very messed up and bitter man. I wish him no malice, I just have no time or energy for him anymore.