I think a lot of people who don’t know me well might assume I’m quite boring. And in some ways, I think I probably am. I do like a quiet life. I’m not loud, or dynamic or entrepreneurial. I often say of myself I have no life. I’m not incredibly sociable. I’m an introvert. I struggle with anxiety. And I feel people underestimate me, assume because I’m quiet and don’t say much, that perhaps I don’t have a lot to say. Because I don’t watch the news or follow politics some may think I’m ignorant or I don’t have an opinion. When in reality I’m protecting myself from the overwhelming catastrophe that is world events, because my poor empathetic neurosparkly brain can’t process or cope with the deluge of disaster. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much, to the detriment of my own wellbeing.

Much of my working life involved looking after others. My personal life too. First time around I married a man with a terminal diagnosis. I was 19. That isn’t a choice for the faint hearted. Sometimes I describe myself as strong. And fierce. My strength isn’t in lifting weights. My fierceness isn’t in a roar, but in a persistent, raspy whisper that proclaims, “I’m not giving up!”

Other times I feel weak. Exhausted. I sometimes forget that in those times I’m actually fighting my hardest. That’s when my strength is truly put to the test. Strength isn’t required on easy days when everything’s rosy, but on the dark days when it feels like there’s no way ahead.

I like to think I’m kind, loving and a bit quirky. I always had a very dry sense of humour, but now also quite dark. That comes from a life changing bereavement, and I share that sense of humour with my son and some of my widow friends. I have a habit of saying the thing that others were afraid or too polite to say. I overshare. I’m pretty straight talking. But never aim to offend. It’s just how my brain to mouth connection goes. I have some cracking autistic traits, even without a diagnosis.

I think I’m creative. I enjoy writing (obviously), singing, baking, crafting, photography and my current neurosparkly obsession is collecting and upcycling Christmas decorations.

I like getting away for short breaks, drinking tea and eating cake, paddling in the sea and spending time with my husband, son, cat, and friends. I go to the gym fairly regularly in an attempt to keep type 2 diabetes at bay and to up my endorphins.

I have way too much insight into my own mental health, which makes convincing people when I’m very ill a bit of a challenge. I’m always faced with, “If you were that poorly you wouldn’t be able to tell me so clearly what you’re experiencing right now.” Er yes. Yes I can. I’m intelligent and articulate even when mental, please don’t make assumptions about me.

The other thing a lot of people either know nothing of, or know lots about is my sexuality. I have a huge collection of sexy lingerie and mild fetishwear. I was involved in the BDSM and swinging scene for about 2.5 years before meeting Martin and I identify as bisexual. I would love to model plus size fetishwear. I’m part of the Fann Summers community and sometimes road test sex toys or products. Although hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar hypomania, for me it is something that is always present. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

I think my varied and often difficult life experiences have given me a bit of wisdom and lot of compassion for others. I’m incredibly accepting and nonjudgmental. But in more recent times I’ve come to realise that my wellbeing has to be my priority. I have been guilty in the past of putting everyone else’s needs above my own and I refuse to do that now if it’s going to be to my detriment. Much as I love my friends and family, I realise now that I have nothing to give if I’m already running on empty. I’m much more useful to those around me if my self care tank is topped up.

I will let you draw your own conclusions about me. I think people see the different facets of my personality but only those closest get the whole diverse, colourful package. Like a mosaic, or a disco ball, I’m a collection of broken pieces, creatively assembled to make a beautiful complete masterpiece.