Just before Christmas I caught a cold. People who know me well, and care most, politely let me know if we’re due to meet or visit one another if they’re unwell, so I can make a choice whether to keep the engagement. Truth is, with the combination of physical and mental health problems I have, my immunity is truly rubbish. I catch things easily and I struggle to fight them off. And even a common cold can affect my mental health to the point of it being pretty vulnerable. So yeah. A week before Christmas I’m down with a cold. As is Martin.

Incredibly, by Christmas Day, we’re both much improved. I’m feeling like I might be recovered by our anniversary on the 30th. Part of our wedding package last year included an overnight stay on our first anniversary at the hotel where we tied the knot. Except when we contacted them no one had a clue what we were on about. The staff turnover totally dismayed us in the run up to the wedding and it seemed little had improved a year on. After numerous emails and calls I finally went in person, which seemed to be the kick they needed, but when we still didn’t hear back until the 29th, Martin had already made a contingency plan.

We went out for a meal on our anniversary and the hotel agreed to rearrange our stay for my birthday in January.

Unfortunately prior to our anniversary meal, a tooth that I’d had filled back in October started to really trouble me. I managed to get an urgent appointment at the dentist and another temporary filling was put in. The dentist I saw (not my usual one) said I needed another appointment the following week. The receptionist said that wasn’t possible and gave me an appointment for the third week in February. So I ate out on our anniversary avoiding anything too crunchy or chewy, because my tooth was still tender and I didn’t want to lose another filling.

The following week, not only did I lose the temporary filling again, but what appeared to be one side of my tooth as well. I was, thankfully at that point not in any pain, and was able to get another emergency appointment quickly with my own dentist. I have to say, since he did the original filling in October, I not only have no confidence in him anymore, I’ve actually become increasingly anxious, nay terrified of seeing him. So third filling in, he says there’s nothing more he can do for said tooth. He then took an X-ray as he said I would need to be referred to the hospital to remove it. Back at the reception desk I was trying to clarify why the tooth couldn’t be extracted in the practice, when the dentist reappears and calls me back in. At that point he announced that the tooth next to the problematic one is also infected, so should he make the referral for the hospital to remove both?

I agreed to that, not fully taking on board that he’d just basically said both teeth were currently infected. I still had no pain at this point. I was in an acute anxiety state and was completely overwhelmed by the experience. But I had a dental abscess on two of the nerves of my teeth, and was not offered any antibiotics. Instead I trundled home and carried on. It was only a couple of days later, in increasing pain, did I realise the truth of what I’d been told.

After two nights of no sleep at all and periodically crying with the pain, I got Martin to drive me to Southampton to an NHS walk-in dental practice. I was in such a state I couldn’t get beyond my anxiety to ring my own dentist. I’d called 111 the night before who recommended this place, and despite having to sit in the waiting room for two and a half hours, the dentist was kind and gentle with me, and agreed after taking an X-ray that I needed antibiotics. He asked me if it bothered me if he prescribed ones that require avoiding alcohol. I just laughed and replied, “I didn’t want a drink on my birthday tomorrow anyway!” Sod’s Law. Frankly at this point I just wanted the pain to stop. I should add, the only pain relief I can take is paracetamol. Which I already take regularly for chronic pain. No, I can’t take aspirin, I can’t take Ibuprofen, and I can’t take codeine/opiate based analgesia. I can however suck on a clove for toothache. I didn’t though. Silly me.

So I understand if you’re wondering what my issues are with my current dentist. My dental practice is the only one in the city accepting new NHS patients. So if I were to leave, I would not be accepted at any other local dentists unless I pay privately. I am unable. I am in the category of poor people who don’t even pay for NHS treatment because I’m on such a low income. Several friends have kindly suggested dentists they go to, but I’ve checked each one and none are currently accepting new NHS patients. They don’t even have open waiting lists. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’m stuffed. Mine is the practice that people tell me they ‘used to go to’ but they left because it’s so bad. The staff turnover is crazy. There is no provision for my anxiety or neurodivergent traits so I’m now at the point I really don’t want to go back at all. But given the state of my poor decaying teeth, that’s not really an option.

We had our night at the hotel on my birthday. Avoiding alcohol and still avoiding anything chewy or too crunchy. I was in a bit less pain and did manage some sleep, but the infection from my teeth had migrated to my sinuses and I was now struggling with congestion, face pain, headache and stinging sensation at the back of my nose in addition to the tooth and jaw pain. My hopes for some birthday romance and intimacy were right off the menu.

At the end of the antibiotics, the tooth seemed absolutely fine. Well as absolutely fine as a crumbling tooth with a necrotic nerve and a crap temporary filling can be. I’m in the process of trying to work out if I can get the two teeth extracted elsewhere (even if I end up paying) so I don’t have to tread on eggshells hoping they don’t get infected again, or anymore chunks fall off, while waiting for the hospital referral.

The sinus infection still seemed to be lingering after the last of the antibiotics, and began to get worse again. I am now on another course of different antibiotics thanks to the nurse practitioner at my doctor’s surgery. It feels like it’s improving gradually.

It’s just been one thing after another, and I’m still not recovered. I think I’ve managed one trip to the gym this month when I wasn’t feeling totally crap. And I need that for my mental health. Being cooped up is never good for me. Dark, damp days are rubbish for my wellbeing. Both our anniversary and my birthday have been overshadowed by pain and illness. We didn’t dare try to rearrange the hotel stay again after their rather unhelpful outlook. It’s just all left me feeling somewhat deflated. I’m bolstered by Martin’s efforts at working on his mentals and engaging in a new hobby, but I can’t seem to find the energy currently. Hopefully these tablets will help because I hate feeling so pathetic. I don’t need pity. Just understanding of how everyday bugs can wipe out someone with chronic illness or hidden disability. For me it’s the difference between coping, or not. And that’s hard.