Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by the feels,

That I don’t even know what I’m feeling

Anymore.

I’m so flooded by anxiety, sorrow, sadness, depression,

By frustration, by inadequacy and self doubt.

The despair, the exhaustion, the apathy. The endless, hopeless inactivity.

Those trials and tribulations of trudging-through-treacle-times.

A sense of loss, and of being lost.

Never quite feeling I fit. Always too much. Yet never enough.

When the dull ache becomes a searing pain that brings me to tears yet has no physical cause.

An emptiness. A loneliness. A dissatisfaction. A dissociation.

At my worst, I can’t function. Anxiety renders me useless. I can’t communicate, can’t process, can’t be around others.

I can’t cook. I can’t clean. I can’t shower. I can’t dress myself. Hell knows, some days I can’t get up.

Admin left backing up. I can’t think. I certainly can’t make calls.

I know I won’t always feel all the feels, but that’s how it seems when I go through it.

Depression tells me it will never change. And I should leave now. Save myself from this life of anguish.

He’s conniving and convincing. But he’s still a liar. I’ve got his number.

Sometimes when I feel all the feels I’m so overloaded I can’t feel at all.

I don’t know which is worse; everything or nothing.

Some days I need to blurt, other days I just ruminate. Over and over and over.

I just want some order in my chaos. Clarity. Some peace and quiet, both without and within.

I’m weary of just surviving, I want to live. I want more-than-fleeting-joy.

I want to feel feelings without feeling all the feels.

I need to be able to process. Unpick this overwhelm. Unravel the feels. Find my calm.