I saw the photo/meme below on one of the widow pages on Facebook that I’m still a part of. I say that because I am no longer a member of WAY – Widowed and Young, despite having benefited from their support for many years. I just felt like life had moved in a different direction and I was ready to face the future without that particular organisation any more. I was 12 years into widowhood at that point, nearly 14 now. I appreciate all they offered across those years and I made amazing lifelong friends. Whether I’m a member of WAY or not those friends will remain friends.

But I do still belong to a couple of other groups for young widows, as I said, and some of the content still resonates, even all these years on, some less so. The meme below less so.

For many years I felt exactly that. Life seemed incomplete and somehow second best after Andrew died. In fact my entire existence felt as if it had been completely blown apart. And I’m not certain when the transition occurred to how I feel now, but I’m definitely in a different place.

I’m going to be controversial here. This isn’t about Martin and the fact I’m in a new relationship now. I made no secret of the fact that I became very mentally unwell five years after Andrew died. It was hideous, I wouldn’t wish that kind of breakdown on anyone, but it caused me to rebuild. I worked on myself, long and hard and the truth is, I am still working on myself.

That hard work meant that when I did meet Martin I was in a significantly stronger position to start a relationship. I’d sorted the worst of my ‘stuff’ and as I say, I continue to do so. There’s always room for improvement.

So my hankering after my old life, my desire to talk to Andrew one more time has been firmly put to bed forever. I’m good thanks. I’m a different person. Andrew never wanted me to be strong and beautiful. Strong would have been a threat to his authority. Beautiful may have caused another man to desire me. God forbid. He took an exquisite young woman and beat all the spirit out of her. I’m not up for revisiting that. Give me my freedom and I will always come back. And you will see the incredible person I was created to be.

My life now is immeasurably better than my old life. Wonderful relationship, inspirational grown up son. Training, singing, writing, amazing friends. And a fulfilment in my spirit like I’ve never known. I’m really happy to leave the past in the past.