I have a very bad habit. When it comes to my communication skills, I’m not as literate as I’d like to be. I’m very good at putting things into written words, but when it comes to verbalising difficult ideas, or feelings, I’m a bit inept. My previous marriage taught me to not have an opinion, not have a voice. What was the point when I would only be disregarded, or worse ridiculed? I learned to stay quiet. And even now, over 13 years since my husband died, I still struggle to speak up for myself. My default is to just nod, mutely, and absorb my unhappiness over time. Even now, although I know I have as much right as any to have my voice heard and my ideas and opinions considered, I still tend to say nothing. I’m terrified of conflict, and am incapable of arguing. So I sit on my thoughts. Keep everything inside.

Until…

One day, in a heated moment, when I can’t bear to listen anymore to things I’m not totally happy with, or maybe I feel assumptions have been made, or decisions taken on my behalf, suddenly, like a volcano, my thoughts and feelings and words come spewing out, in a storm of passive-aggressive.

This happened recently. It’s always a dangerous scenario, because while I’m rarely angry, I tend to have no filter on what comes out of my mouth. I’m frank when I write, and equally I’m frank in person. My friends say it’s one of the things they love about me, but I can be painfully blunt. I don’t mean to offend, but I admit sometimes speaking my mind can be thoughtless.

I hate upsetting the people I care about. It’s never my intention. But I am incapable of lying and I think, having been silenced and belittled so often in my previous marriage, I now am prone to overcompensating with my truth.

My grown-up son is dealing with a painful breakup currently. We’ve spent a lot of time chatting and I’m astounded at the maturity and the openness that both he and his former girlfriend have shown. There’s been absolutely no malice or recriminations between them, just honest discussion. They have made time to listen to each other’s viewpoints and express both their feelings. I could learn a lot from them; I wish I had the confidence and the skills to not only make myself heard, but to listen without judgement, to negotiate and to reach compromise. Sadly my relationship with my mother growing up, and with my late husband have left me a bit fucked up when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Despite many hours of therapy, when push comes to shove, I still struggle.

I am determined that my upcoming marriage will be better than my previous one in the communication stakes. I know it’s agonising going over things and looking for a resolution. It isn’t easy. But it is the way, that as mature adults, we need to forge ahead. Too many relationships fail because of poor communication and I don’t want that to be us. I love Martin far too much to accept less than top notch discussion and problem solving as a team. In reality, sound relationships are not built in the easy times, it’s when stuff hits the fan that you find your strength. And we both deserve the kind of happiness that comes from surviving tough times and coming through victorious. Together.