If you’ve known me personally for a while, you’ll know this isn’t a first. I was introduced to the benefits of exercise for mental health as far back as my first breakdown in my twenties. However this time it has surprised even me. Although I have had periods of gym attendance since, mainly alongside dieting, it has been with varying degrees of commitment and success. Before my spinal op I could barely walk, let alone work out. After I was considerably more mobile, until my bipolar diagnosis and the meds that went with it. In my late 40’s I was heavier than I’d ever been. Piling weight on caused considerable pain again. I struggled to bend, to walk, to carry things.

I did attempt to start exercising again, but I had so much back pain and so little willpower. For me, success in the gym was generally associated with having a gym instructor who would work with me in a personal training capacity, but without the cost. Going to the local council leisure centre on a health referral this would sometimes happen and I knew how lucky I was. Without that additional support, I’d struggle after a while. I think the last time I signed up for gym membership was in 2016. Sadly not for very long.

As I’ve written previously, I’ve been on a weight loss journey since last October. My initial intention was to change my eating habits as I’d been identified as borderline for type 2 diabetes. But I was also taking advice from my son, who has been both losing weight and getting physically fit. While I’m not seeing results on a par with his, I am gradually reducing my weight and have reversed my pre diabetic state. But the boy continues to be my inspiration. And source of all kinds of diet and fitness advice.

I guess I was feeling a little stuck, and getting a little discouraged. I added a food diary app on my phone so I could keep better track of my intake. Since my son had been asked to join the staff team at the local gym where he trains, we’d talked often about me going for a visit and potentially signing up. He’d told me about a couple of promotions that were being run, and I admit the offer of free stuff piqued my interest sufficiently to ask him to accompany me on a visit last week.

And I must say, as an obese fifty-something with body confidence issues and horrendous social anxiety, a small, private gym was way outside my comfort zone. I didn’t notice it so much when I was with my son, but going back alone yesterday was challenging, even though he was on duty, and all the staff are friendly. Everyone looks very young and fit compared to me. But I guess we all have our own issues and reasons for being there.

I think in some ways, knowing I won’t have a fitness instructor constantly holding my hand is forcing me to take responsibility for myself. For my own progress. Of course there’s always someone around if I need help, and I can pick the brains of the boy at home if I need to. But it feels like quite a different experience for me, much more proactive and in my control. Maybe that will spur me on to stick at it.

I think I’m in the right place. I’m able to reduce my calorie intake without obsessing and making myself ill. I’m undertaking sensible exercise for someone of my age, fitness and (dis)ability and utilising the support available. So I’ll see.