Pride, they say, is a sin. And not just a sin in fact, but a deadly one to boot. As someone who spent over thirty years of my life attending a very fundamental church, I’m much more familiar with shame than pride. The mentality of my ‘good works being like filthy rags’ before God is deeply ingrained, that is, nothing I can ever do will measure up or make me good enough. And for someone who experiences depression, it just reinforces what I’ve known all along; I’m rubbish.

Feeling proud of my achievements doesn’t, in any way come naturally to me. I feel awkward in the limelight. I struggle to receive a compliment, let alone praise. Thanks to a marriage where I was regularly undermined and belittled, feelings of pride in myself and my accomplishments were actively discouraged. My late husband really didn’t like people giving me attention, and if anyone did manage to slip through the net and say positive things to me, he would be sure to come behind them and whisper his criticisms to counteract their kindnesses. I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn here when I say his disability/terminal illness earned him a lot of fuss and that’s how he liked it. Woe betide if I should take away from his need for attention.

I wasn’t aware until now, how bad I still am at feeling a healthy sense of pride in an achievement. I’ve been reluctant to talk too much about my weight loss journey, as I get that’s a subject that’s sensitive for some. But I did share last October that a routine blood test had showed significantly raised glucose levels, such as to take me into the pre diabetic category. To say I was gutted was an understatement. Both my mother and paternal grandmother had type 2 diabetes and I was worried that with a strong genetic link, anything I did to change my diet or lifestyle would probably just be too little too late.

I struggled with the online course I was sent on, one or two of the older gents really did like the sound of their own voices a bit too much. I rarely seemed to get a chance to have any input. In the end I was only attending so that it wouldn’t be fed back to my GP that I didn’t bother. But I have now missed the last two sessions, not deliberately, just through circumstances, and I’m not sure if there are further sessions, as we were only given three session dates at a time at the end of the previous three. I think it is fair to say I didn’t learn a lot. I have known about the eatwell plate since I was at secondary school. I took assorted courses on nutrition when I worked in school catering. I was considered the food hygiene guru when I worked in nursery school! I’m always open minded to learn new things, but when it came to making lifestyle changes, I relied more on my 21 year old son than the specific NHS pre diabetes course. My son, I should add, is on his own fitness journey; has lost 50kg and has recently started work as a fitness instructor after being head hunted by the gym where he trains.

A while back I had cause to see my new GP and I asked her, in light of the diet and lifestyle changes I’d made, could I possibly have my glucose levels (HbA1c) checked again when I next had a routine lithium blood test? I was curious to know if what I was doing was actually helping. She agreed that would make sense, so when my bloods were done recently the sugars were included. I looked online last night to see if the results were back, and genuinely I nearly fell off my chair! My HbA1c reading has gone down from 44 to 33. Normal range is 0-41. I had to see my GP again this morning and I asked her about it, just to make sure. She was seriously impressed. Told me well done and to continue doing what I’m doing. And the best bit, she said I had completely reversed my pre diabetes.

Am I over the moon? Hell yeah! Yes I have changed my diet, but I worked hard at keeping my intake realistic, in that, I knew if I cut out all treats I would just end up feeling deprived and I’d probably end up pigging out ridiculously. A lot of my changes involved making healthier swaps and cutting things down. When people have commented on my weight loss I have used the phrase, ‘eating less and eating smarter’ and that’s pretty much it.

So right now, in addition to feeling happy, I’m kind of trying to embrace feeling proud of myself. It doesn’t sit well with me. Yet in this instance, as my son pointed out when I thanked him for his support, I did this all myself. No one could make those changes for me. In terms of my weight loss journey, I still have a long way to go. I’d lost my way a bit before my holiday last week, but I’m back on it now. And in terms of keeping type 2 diabetes at bay, well that will be ongoing, but at least I have an idea that what I’m doing is beneficial. And it feels worth the effort now I’ve seen a tangible test result.

I think I’ll risk the consequences of that deadly sin. I’ve worked hard over the last seven months to get to where I am now. I think I deserve to feel proud. At least for the moment.