Blog! It’s become a bit of a tradition. I think the last time I was here I churned out four or five posts. This time around I’m a little less creative I guess. Or maybe I’m just really enjoying being in the company of my person. Because for the first time in 14 years I’m actually holidaying with a partner; not a child, a parent, or a friend, and it feels absolutely awesome.

I’m integrating my usual leisure activities into our week. I am after all a creature of habit, and find it hard to adjust to too much change. So we’ve been to the spa (I fear much to Martin’s dismay!) we had a wander along the seafront, and now I’m blogging. And drinking tea, obviously. We’ve been to some of the evening entertainment that I’ve not had the confidence to go to alone. One show I’ve finally seen after bottling it the last twice I’ve been here.

As my life progresses I do wonder if some of my quirks are in fact autistic traits. Dislike change, socially awkward, struggle to process sometimes, always anxious, getting overwhelmed in busy or noisy environments and flapping/tapping. Given we always laughed about my dad’s rigid routines and my son’s girlfriend (who’s undertaking medical training currently) reckons the boy’s on the spectrum (as in fact she is) I think I may be the missing link. Maybe.

When I was last here in October I missed Martin ridiculously. But coming here has become so much a part of my life I couldn’t imagine not booking to come back again before I left. And when I said that to him, he said to book for both of us. So I did, but I really didn’t believe he’d come with me. But he absolutely has. True to his word. He’s here, in all his Hawaiian shirted glory. I knew he’d lived in Bognor (and it wasn’t a great experience) and I knew he’d been to Butlin’s previously with his ex wife. And then there’s his menagerie, so I expected him to bail to be honest.

He’s done the driving, which he knows I find stressful. He’s held on tightly to my hand in crowded venues and stroked my fingers and reassured me when he’s sensed my anxiety. In short, he’s been a dream. In stark contrast to my late husband, who would force me into situations I found particularly stressful (rather than do stuff himself) or publicly yell at me for some minor transgression. There have been occasions when I’ve been waiting for Martin to kick off at me, because that’s what Andrew would’ve done, and he just gives me a quizzical look, trying to work out why I’m filled with anxious anticipation. It’s a learning curve. For us both. But as it’s our first holiday together, I guess it’s to be expected. Sometimes I forget how our relationship is really still in its infancy, because most times I feel like we have been a part of each other forever.

It’s an absolute dream to see Martin as relaxed as he is. Even before the train crash last October, he was rarely this chilled. I feel like I’ve done a good thing bringing him on holiday, even if it’s not a sunnier, more exotic location. At the end of the day, we are relaxed, we’re enjoying each other’s company and the sea air is working its magic. I love how playful, silly even, I can be with Martin. I never get told to be more normal these days. I can embrace my quirks. Even when I’m hopelessly ditsy I’m not ridiculed. Just humoured. Since being with him, I don’t feel inherently stupid, like I have for most of my adult life. I love him beyond words, he’s genuinely changed my life for the better.

Life, as we know, is not one long holiday. Not even for me who isn’t employed. It constantly presents us new challenges. But life is so much better when faced with the person you love. Things are not so scary when Martin is holding my hand. I am 100% a better person for being allowed to be myself. And sunny Bognor will always be part of my journey. Our journey