I’m sure I’m not the only person diagnosed with a personality disorder who feels not only defective in some way, but inadequate. Like I’m just not quite good enough. Not up to scratch. It’s not a nice feeling.

It was such an easy diagnosis to acquire. In fact I’m not even sure at what point it was added to my bipolar diagnosis, or even by which psychiatrist. I just, at some point, had people telling me I had EUBPD (also known as EUPD and BPD). To be fair, previous to that I was told I had Histrionic Personality Disorder, which I did dispute, as the symptoms didn’t actually fit. One mental health nurse said to me that if I tried to prove I didn’t have HPD I would be actually proving I did, because those kind of behaviours are typical of people with the disorder. I told him that in case case I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, so I would continue fighting. The label was removed, but replaced with the EUBPD one instead. Unfortunately it’s no less stigmatising.

And it’s not an easy label to shake off once you’ve got it. So many people who experienced traumatic or abusive childhoods are diagnosed with it. It seems to be a post trauma response, but unlike those who are diagnosed with PTSD who tend to be offered help and treated with compassion, those with EUBPD tend to be shunned, branded as attention seeking and manipulative, even by professionals in mental health. Rarely does anyone recover from EUBPD it seems.

The classic treatment for EUBPD is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I have to say, for me, the principles of DBT have been revolutionary. I am so much better equipped to deal with my big emotions, and to manage my mental health generally. I’m in a better place mentally than I’ve been for a while. But sometimes we all need a little extra support, right? Not because I’m unwell mentally, but because I have some big life changes going on and I would benefit from talking things through with a neutral person.

So I did what I have always done at these times and contacted a local counselling organisation. In fact the same people who have offered me counselling before, with successful results. I had an initial assessment via Zoom and was told I would be added to a waiting list. And then I received a call this week from the head of counselling to inform me they were not able to help me. And the reason? My EUBPD diagnosis.

I was told in a rather patronising tone that people with BPD don’t benefit from regular talking therapy and need something specialised called DBT. I said I was aware of that, and had received it in the past, but as it was not my EUBPD symptoms I needed help with, and that regular talking therapy is just what I need to talk through feelings about my new relationship and upcoming wedding. I also pointed out that on two previous occasions my EUBPD diagnosis had not been a hindrance to them offering me counselling, but frankly, the woman was adamant.

She was astounded that I’d even heard of DBT, let alone been offered it. In her naivety she asked if the mental health team could offer me more support. I laughed. I told her I’d been discharged from their care a number of years ago and I was far too well to qualify for their help currently. As politely as I could I told her that even during the lockdowns when my mental health had really suffered, and I’d been experiencing suicidal ideation, I had been ‘ reassured’ that I was fine and declined any intervention.

In short, I’m too mental for the local counselling services, and not mental enough for psychiatric care. I was advised to obtain private counselling, which I’m really not sure is sustainable.

I feel rubbish. Inadequate. Beyond help unless I can pay for it, and I’m not confident I can. I once had an excellent counsellor and I expressed to him how I’d had lots of talking therapy in the past, and how it has helped to know that once a week I can just offload all the stuff in my head. I said I cope better with life when I’m able to do that. He said there are some people who would benefit from perpetually being in therapy, and he thought I was probably one of those people. Sadly no provision exists for us. Not attention seeking, but traumatised by life.

I’ve said this before but my life is very limited. I can’t work. My mobility isn’t great. I struggle to get out of bed some days. My anxiety is shocking. My memory is poor. My processing is rubbish. I find it hard to keep up with my admin. Money management is haphazard. Making a call is scary. But, I am, of sorts, doing ok. I’m doing pretty well. Which is why this woman’s attitude is hard to stomach.

Don’t make me feel like I’m too mental to be helped. It’s unfairly stigmatising. I know how hard I’m fighting to remain as stabilised as I currently am and I don’t appreciate feeling a failure for daring to ask for a little extra support.