Sometimes, when I tell Martin I love him, he asks me why. I always find this hard, because it appears to me it comes from a place of insecurity. I worry that if I don’t give a good, convincing answer, he may argue with me, stating the reasons he feels undeserving of my love. I also panic, because sometimes in the spur of the moment, my mind goes completely blank. Which is much more down to my cognitive processing issues than my not actually having an answer for him.

I remain patient and kind at these times, because I oftentimes feel unworthy of his affection too, and it is his grace and understanding I seek in those fragile moments. Because we are similar in our insecurities it is in reality not the other’s love we doubt, but our own worthiness of that love. We’ve both been damaged by lovers who came before, who talked a good talk, but didn’t walk the walk. If you catch my drift. Let’s just say they had their own agendas, and folks like that eat kind, people-pleasers like Martin and I for breakfast. We’re kindred spirits.

Anyhow, enough of the rookie psychology for now. Why do I love Martin? Well as stated above, his desire to please is outstanding. He would do anything for me. That is an absolute and I know it with all my heart. He would genuinely do anything in his power to put a smile on my face. When I’m struggling with depression it breaks my heart to see him concerned that he’s done something wrong. Or not done something. I tell him over and over that bipolar depression doesn’t have to be logical, so many times it just is. Yet still he’ll drive me to the beach to clear my head, or to the cake shop to comfort eat. Never once has he criticised me when I reward his efforts by continuing to be depressed after a trip out. He’s never moaned about wasted money because I’m still ‘miserable’ despite his best efforts.

Having mentioned cake, I feel I should elaborate a little on our shared love of cake and our infamous cake dates. Martin’s ability to eat cake and drink coffee is only matched by my ability to eat cake and drink tea. If one of us had loved cake and the other had been a healthy eating freak, cake dates probably wouldn’t have been a thing. We both have our reasons for needing to eat healthier in reality, but also both recognise that life without cake is like summer without sunshine. Cake is good. It’s kind of our thing.

I love that I can have an informed conversation with Martin. He doesn’t belittle my views. We laugh together but he never makes me the butt of his jokes or shows me up in front of others. He’s kind to me, caring, protective without being controlling. He brings me a cup of tea in bed every single morning. He humours my love of pink, and penguins and has even shared his bed with me and Ian Penguin.

He loves to squish me, which I’m never sure if it’s designed to be a treat or a punishment, but I love it. Being close with Martin, holding hands, sharing cuddles, kisses, intimacy, is just the best. He’s the best. Because I know he loves me unconditionally and that makes the physical stuff even better than ever. We’re both open minded about these things, and that again just makes things easier. And we both are very tactile in non sexual ways too, and that’s great. Again both have previously been in relationships that were more hands-off and I know I for one hated that.

Why else do I love Martin? He is my person. He’s wonderfully imperfect, yet perfect for me. He’s generous in spirit, a man who seeks to make others happy. Compared to me he’s much more outgoing and gregarious. If I’m feeling shy or quiet in company he’ll cover my back, all the while gently trying to ease me out of my shell, but never forcing the issue. I love when we’re all dressed up and out for dinner. I am still undone when I think of my birthday and the proposal cupcakes and the perfect engagement ring. Definitely one of the happiest moments of my life. I can not state this emphatically enough; I can’t wait to be Mrs M and wake up next to my lovely husband. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of our lives. Why do I love Martin? No man has ever made me happier. I’m a better person for his love. He’s my soulmate. My friend. My lover. We just fit.

And maybe just because…