I’m still marvelling that one year ago I had never yet met Martin, the man who rapidly moved up through the ranks of date, boyfriend, person and now fiancé. How six months ago we still hadn’t met, and now he’s my husband-to-be. And in another year’s time, we’ll be wed. By the beginning of 2023 I’ll be his wife.

As I pointed out in my previous blog, I never envisaged at the beginning of 2021 that I would be settled into a committed relationship by this point. I was still very much carrying the baggage from my marriage to Andrew and from my ‘friendship’ with the man called Dave. Both previous partners were manipulative, both were controlling and both undermined my confidence, crushing my self esteem. Despite many hours of therapy, I was struggling to believe I would ever be considered relationship material. In my mind I was good for fun only.

And that was pretty much how the first half of last year went. Even the ones who vehemently assured me they were looking for long term, all changed their minds once they met me. I tried so hard to believe there were still decent men out there, but I felt emotionally battered, disappointed and despondent. I came to the conclusion I must be too broken, too mental, too used to be loved. And I couldn’t even see a way out. Over the last few years I’d totally used sex as a substitute for genuine affection. The worse I felt about myself, the more I’d rely on the wrong kind of attention from men. It was a vicious circle. While it maybe briefly lifted my mood, inevitably I’d feel lousy given time. The entire two years with the man called Dave was spent like that. And beyond. The contacts I made during my time on the swinging scene ensured I was never lacking attention if I wanted it. But I was constantly feeling empty and the words I used to describe myself were becoming increasingly unkind. I crossed one of my own boundaries one night. It was an all time low for me. All I ever wanted was one man who would love me and treat me right. That seemed like some sort of holy grail, all but unattainable.

And then along came Martin. My good man. My would-be knight in shining armour on his imaginary unicorn. My not-a-trainspotter. Keeper of reptiles. Funky DJ. And genuinely the kindest, most generous, attentive and loving man I have ever met. He rapidly became the focus of my life. I’ve learned since July that I’m a very different woman when I’m loved right. I’m content. I feel secure. And I don’t feel so broken or mental when he’s by my side.

I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world. But the weird thing is, he’s convinced he’s the lucky one. We acknowledge that despite our previous relationships, neither of us has ever felt so loved. During our everyday conversations, one of us will inevitably blurt out, “We’re getting married!” And we giggle and squee like a couple of kids. I’m beyond excited to be planning our nuptials together. I never dreamed, even a year ago that I could feel so happy. And who’d have imagined that 2022 would be the year I get married? So much to do!

Wishing peace, joy and good health to all this year 👼🏻