When I was 9 years old, my mother and grandmother took me (and my brother) to the US for an extended holiday. Maybe it was the age I was, discovering clothes and fashion for myself for the first time, or maybe just the huge availability such as I’d never seen, but I brought back a lot of clothes. Including a couple of bikinis. I’d never owned a bikini before. I don’t remember little girls in the ‘70s wearing bikinis to be honest.

I was already a chubby child, but no one told me that two piece costumes were not for fat girls. So I went on fairly oblivious. It was I think my peers who finally pointed out to me that I was too fat to wear something like that. And as I approached the hideously self conscious early teen years I knew it was absolutely the truth for myself. For a time I don’t think I even owned a swimming costume. The thought of being in public showing so much flesh was mortifying.

When I got married I did start swimming again for exercise and fun. But my husband often reminded me about my chubby little body, “No one wants to see that!” To be blunt even he didn’t want to see it, and he was supposed to love me curves and all. So my swimming costumes covered more than ever, many with a skirt panel. Swim dresses can look quite flattering (although not all!) but I liked to swim lengths and having a skirt flapping about and floating to the surface wasn’t ideal.

I saw a woman in a swim dress yesterday when I was in the hotel spa. It was nearly down to her knees. I wondered if someone told her they didn’t want to see her curves too, or if she’d decided for herself that they should be kept under wraps. I noticed only two women were wearing bikinis and they were both young and slim. Apart from me. Yes, you read that. I wore a two piece for the first time in 40 years.

Now when I say that, let me assist your imaginations a little. Think a crop top. Like a sports bra crop top sort of size and shape. And Bridget Jones’ knickers. There was flesh between but not loads.

I bought the bikini in the summer. I’m not even certain why now. I tried it on at home and filed it in my chest of drawers. But with a visit to the spa booked for this week I dug it out. Along with my one piece in case I bottled it.

Why did I decide to buy it? I’m not entirely certain. I think I just felt the need to show the middle finger to all the controlling men and mean girls who ever told me, “No one wants to see that” or “Women like you shouldn’t wear things like that.”

I expected stares. I expected hushed whispers. I expected to be challenged. I was met with nothing. Amongst strangers in the spa, most probably worrying about their own self consciousness, not a soul cared that this overweight woman was wearing a very bright, multi coloured tie dye two piece. I felt strong. Bold. And surprisingly confident. I’m taking that as a small win.

Thanks for reading 👼🏻