This time last year I was in Bognor Regis too. And blogging. I’m not sure what it is about being here that gets my creativity flowing, but there’s undoubtedly a link. More relaxed. Less to do I guess. This place definitely seems to bring out a side of me I like. All the worries of the everyday are on hold and I can just savour views of seas and skies until my heart’s content.

It was while here last October that I said goodbye to the man called Dave after two years together. With time and space to think I left him for the third and final time. There was some dialogue between us after that, but never with the intention of getting back together and eventually he blocked me when I pointed out the ways he’d wronged me. Poor misunderstood soul he was. In his mind anyway.

I don’t want to particularly dwell on the two years I now refer to as the red glasses Dave era, except to say I can now see it more clearly for what it was. It was a one sided relationship where he had the majority of the fun at my expense. He normalised my degradation for his pleasure. I was utterly manipulated but I was besotted with him and would have done pretty much whatever he wanted if he whispered the right words in my ear. He held all the power. But I walked away.

It was the hardest thing in the world to leave. He was the first man I’d been in a relationship with since my husband died in 2008. I had such high hopes. But fuck buddies was never what I imagined. Certainly not what I’d dreamed of when I thought about my future. I thought I could hack it. I couldn’t. I thought it would develop. It didn’t. I fell for him, he laughed at me. So I gathered up my strength and the tatters of my self esteem and walked. I deserved better, I was certain of it.

More adventures on dating sites ensued. More hopes dashed. My poor heart trounced all over again. And then 12 weeks ago, I got a message from Martin. I replied. We chatted online. We met. We ate cake. We clicked. After our first date we hugged goodbye. But neither wanted to let go. I think even then we knew.

It’s been a whirlwind, but does that concern me? Not one bit. I realise now why none of the dates worked out. I see why Dave couldn’t make me happy. Because the one for me wasn’t even known to me then. The one who has ambushed my heart (in the nicest possible way) has changed everything.

All that heartache a year ago. The absolute fear of ending up alone. When in reality I was making way for the best person I could ever have hoped to meet. I had no idea what my future held and I was scared to let go of the sham of a relationship I was clinging to. But it’s opened me up to the best adventure imaginable. I’m so pleased I found the courage to realise I deserved to be fully loved and not just picked up and put down.

Have I found the perfect man? Nope, but he’s perfect for me. He makes me feel safe. He calms my crazy. He gives the best cuddles. Brings me a cuppa in bed. He’s honest. Has great communication skills. Empathy. He stimulates my mind. Sexy as. What more could I ask for?

I could never have known a year ago what was around the corner. I didn’t envisage having someone in my life who I’d miss this much when away for a few days. But there we go.

Thanks for reading 👼🏻