End of last week I had a telephone call scheduled from one of the doctors at my surgery. I have no idea what has happened to my own doctor again, I couldn’t even be bothered to ask. I mean she’s pleasant, but she doesn’t get me. I don’t feel like many people get me.

So what I thought was going to be routine lithium levels from my last blood test turned out to be, “Your sugars have increased since your last test and you are now categorised as pre-diabetic!” That is, if I don’t change my diet/lifestyle I will imminently develop type 2 diabetes. Shit.

I can’t pretend to be in anyway surprised. I do know my diet is shocking and I struggle to exercise because of my chronic back pain. But I am nonetheless gutted. I guess I hoped I could somehow get away with it. Or at the very least that I had more time.

I’ve been overweight since I was 9. As soon as the boobs arrived and the bullying started so did my comfort eating. As an adult I’ve never been within the realms of normal weight. I’ve always been overweight, obese or morbidly obese. I have managed to reduce my weight on occasions, but since being diagnosed with bipolar and taking psych medications, I’m now heavier than ever. Also, I have been through periods of eating issues. An old GP of mine told me in no uncertain terms to leave the diet club I’d joined as I was so obsessed with weight loss he feared for my mental health. He actually said he’d rather I stayed overweight.

So I have. And now it’s caught up with me.

I will be referred to a course to discuss what changes I need to make. I tried to establish if that was a one off or a series of sessions but I am still none the wiser. And I dared to ask what I should do food wise in the meantime. Apart from cutting out all carbohydrates and drinking Pepsi Max instead of regular Pepsi, I didn’t glean all that much.

In the absence of useful information I obviously stormed the world wide web. Oh silly me! So I got passed those trying to sell me diet plans, meal replacements, supplements, life coaching and personal training and hit another raft of confusion. The various websites supposedly dedicated to teaching me about a pre-diabetic diet were characterised by conflicting advice. Fat is bad. Sugar is bad. Carbs are bad. Carbs are like death on a plate if I believe all I read. Green things are good. The only other thing with consistent approval is fish. Particularly oily fish. Sigh. I don’t hate fish, I mean it’s ok. But it’s not cake. It doesn’t appeal with a nice cup of tea of an afternoon.

I’m frustrated by the lack of clear information. This week I’m away from home and I’m starting to make some changes but it’s like feeling my way in the dark. I’m very thankful for the men in my life (son and boyfriend) giving me lots of support albeit from home. They’ve helped me to not fall apart.

Hopefully once I’ve completed the prescribed program I will have a clearer idea of what I need to do. I’m not ready to accept diabetes just yet if I can avoid it.

Thanks for reading 👼🏻