I’m not sure how this evening’s rambling will pan out. Maybe a few words, few sentences. Maybe a full on ramble. I don’t know.

I also don’t know why I feel like I feel at the moment. I just know I’m not right. I’m stupidly tired, yet sleep hasn’t been my friend. Or just intermittently. I’m struggling to get excited about activity, I just want to passively watch television. Something I rarely do in normal circumstances.

My emotions are big, I feel overwhelmed, I’m constantly on the verge of tears. I want to be comforted yet I don’t feel worthy. I feel like I should be hiding away. I can’t believe anyone wants to be around me when I feel so utterly pathetic.

I was recently very unwell physically. My body was plagued with three separate infections, all attacking me concurrently. My immune system was struggling and I needed two courses of antibiotics, overlapping each other over a period of around twelve days. I could just be in a post infection slump.

Also, I’m in love. Would that genuinely adversely affect my mental health? In reality, it could yes. It has brought massive change. And challenges to my beliefs and thinking. As incredible as it is, I don’t tend to cope too well with change. My anxiety has increased. The fact that the difficult emotions tend to be offset by the amazing ones has perhaps masked them. And to be honest, even the best emotions can be exhausting and overwhelming for me. That’s the joys of living with bipolar and EUBPD. Unlike someone whose depression is reactive, in bipolar it’s more chemical. And as such completely defies logic at times.

Being in a relationship where I am cared for when I’m struggling with my health is a new one for me. A relationship where I’m valued, not subject to ridicule or belittling for my mental health issues. Or dropped like a stone when my perceived usefulness is exhausted. It’s all a steep learning curve. When my habit of taking the piss out of myself before anyone else can keeps getting challenged. I guess my life feels a bit upside down currently. But in a good way.

It’s quite hard to be kind to oneself when your life feels compromised and you just feel pathetic and needy. But of course it is the time when we must be the kindest. And allow those closest to us to be kind too.

I think for me, plenty of rest, lots of self care things, and time with the one I love. Always being mindful that I can access mental health support if things deteriorate.

Thanks for reading 👼🏻