I’m not even sure where to begin. I just know my brain is over full and sometimes writing helps. Emotionally I’m completely overspent already this week. I could do with a cry really, but that ain’t happening. As a last resort I may have to rely on sad songs and gin. That generally does it.

Nearly two weeks ago I discovered a bumpy area in my right breast. I was really unsure if it was anything to be concerned about or not, but being a responsible breast owner I took her to see the GP the following day. Incidentally my family doctor is now back from maternity leave, and she was absolutely lovely with me and the wayward boob. I noticed the area was quite tender as she examined me, but like me, she was unsure if there was a problem or not. So I was referred on a two week turnaround appointment to check.

I can’t remember how exactly I told Martin, my new gentleman, but he promised to be by my side whatever happened. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d disappeared. But I had hoped he wouldn’t. I really didn’t want to face it alone. I let him know as soon as I got my clinic appointment and it fit around his work fairly easily so he announced he would be taking me. I was so relieved.

Previously my Dad had gone with me to these appointments. In fact when he died I was still waiting on the results of a punch biopsy which he never got to know. And this week it’s two years since he died. Which feels totally unreal. I miss him so much still. Although I can no longer say my Dad was the only man who always treated me right.

To be honest, being in relationship with a good man is constantly blowing my mind. I don’t quite know what to do with it. And I’m scared as hell I’m just one big disappointment as a human being.

I can’t help but make comparisons with the previous (toxic) relationships I’ve been in. Not because there are similarities, but because there aren’t and I feel all adrift. I don’t know how to respond to honesty and kindness.

My clinic appointment was long, but the outcome was good. Nothing to be concerned about. I did feel a massive sense of relief. I can enjoy being in a lovely new relationship without worrying about endless clinic visits or possible surgery. Ladies, check your breasts regularly for any changes. Actually, gents too, breast cancer isn’t exclusively female. And I’m genuinely thankful for our incredible NHS.

I wonder what my Dad would make of Martin. I know without doubt he would approve of my happiness. Our making our relationship official on Facebook would have gone straight over Dad’s head, but it seemed appropriate that a pairing born out of Facebook Dating should be announced there to friends. I just really feel the significance of being with a man who isn’t ashamed of me and isn’t trying to hide me. That speaks volumes.

So where am I now? One very much loved alive man, one very much still loved dead man, a breast scare that turned out to be nothing and a head full of oversized emotions. Maybe I’ll have that gin.