My son has gone out for the evening. I’m home alone. I can not tell you how strong the urge is to drink gin and listen to sad songs. I’m feeling down and the desire to indulge my misery is overwhelming. One phone call now from that significant person could nip all these rogue emotions in the bud. But I’ve pretty much given up on expecting that to happen. Say something…

I said I always put the kiss of death on things romantic. Seems I did it again. Within a couple days, the man who told me he could definitely learn to love me has all but vanished. The first day he was quiet he told me he’d had a down day and spoken to no one but his employer. I accepted that and gently reminded him I would always listen if he had stuff on his mind. Then my messages on WhatsApp were left unopened. Early on, when things were still fresh, he told me I could see he hadn’t been on WhatsApp because it shows when he’s last been on there, and that he was only chatting to me. Well apparently no longer. While my messages just sat there he’d been on doing something. When the messages were finally read, he still didn’t respond. One had vainly asked if he could schedule in some time for us to be together. At the time I was hopeful still that a face to face was all that was needed for us to reconnect. That was ignored. As was my inquiry as to how he felt about ‘us’ six weeks in. And then my calls started being ignored. Gradually communication was tailing off. Although we did call briefly yesterday it felt strained. Like he didn’t really have anything to say to me. He said we’d speak later. We didn’t.

I thought maybe I was hounding him too much. I know I can be needy of verbal and physical reassurances. So today I backed off completely to see if he’d initiate any contact. He hasn’t. Because it’s such early days I have no idea if he’s the sort of guy who totally goes to ground when times are difficult and that’s what he’s doing. My gut says he’s just lost interest and/or met someone else.

I can in no way cope without dialogue. I’ve said over and over that I need really robust communication and loads of reassurance. It was even written on my dating profile. Not that men read them apparently. If I don’t know what’s happening, I will create my own version of events. My writer’s imagination with a dose of EUBPD is absolutely chaotic. If you want me to cast you in my life story as a polygamous spy, please feel free to leave me guessing. So here I am high and dry. Clinging to the last shred of hope that he’s just having a tough time and will be in touch when he’s ready; yet preparing to put this down to yet another bad experience. I’m giving up on you…

Also recently I tied up the last loose end with the man named Dave. I finally closed my incognito profile on the swinging website, but only after I sent him a message saying that if he ever used my photos on there again I would not hesitate to take legal advice. Then I wished him happiness and fulfilment and said goodnight. I miss him. And every time my son uses whatever deodorant it is that smells like Dave’s, something lurches deep inside me until I realise again.

As I said to my friend last night, if I can walk away from my Perv (Dave) I can definitely leave this latest guy. I just wish, for once, there was a man out there worth staying with.

👼🏻