Something bad happened this week. Something I’m not ready to divulge but it was intrusive, upsetting and down to the man named Dave. Or Arsehole as I’ve been calling him. Or Utter Bastard. I was fuming. And I never get angry, so I’m taking this as progress. It was an appropriate response to his selfish behaviour. The fact that he’d blocked me on WhatsApp recently made sense now. He knew at some point I’d find out what he’d done and I’d seek him out. Cowardly excuse for a man won’t even face up to it. I’m still in a quandary as to the best course of action.

I feel shaken up and my confidence has been rocked. I’ve been working so hard on putting him behind me and this has me feeling the feels all over again. It’s low. I’m lower.

And suddenly I’m questioning everything again. My ability to trust the new gentleman has all but been obliterated. Is he married? Is he chatting with other women? Is he using the L word to convince me he’s serious, but really he’s just stringing me along? How do I still know so little about him? I have a sense of déjà-vous.

As desperately lonely as I am, as much as I am missing cuddles and company and conversation and as intensely as I desire intimacy, I just don’t know if I should be with someone at the moment. I want it but is it really good for me and is it fair on them? I’m not sure.

I know the pandemic hasn’t helped. Not being able to mix socially makes dating and building relationship and trust near impossible. No amount of messages seem to really reassure me. And people keep telling me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s not within my field of vision yet. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Hopefully this is just another blip. A lockdown depression related blip and better days are coming.

Thanks for reading 👼🏻