There’s something on my mind today. One thing I say to new people, especially guys I connect with on crap dating sites, is this, “I need robust communication and loads of reassurance”. I don’t say it for fun. And I don’t just say it to benefit myself. I’ll explain; the minute there are gaps in communication long enough for me to start overthinking, there’s a good chance I’m going to pull the plug, regardless of how well things seem to have been going. I’m not going to spend another relationship second guessing and filling in the blanks because someone can not take the time to have conversations with me (be that online, on the phone or in person). I deserve more.

I’m very aware that my past experiences have left me feeling this way. Two years of mind games with the man named Dave are primarily to blame. He would drip feed me just enough information to keep me interested but not enough that I ever had an equal footing in the friendship. He loved to starve me of communication, watch me flounder to try to make sense of things then accuse me of wildly overthinking. And ridicule me. Accuse me of demonising him and subsequently he got to play the victim. Again.

And he wasn’t the only one who let me down in their communication. Whether the lies be blatant, subtle deception or by omission, the end result is the same. Or if it is just a case of poor or lacking interaction. The same rule applies; if I’m not in the loop I will fabricate fabulous, far-fetched fables to satisfy my need for information. Do not underestimate me; I not only have EUBPD and can overthink like a boss, I also have the imagination of a creative writer. It’s a lethal combination, trust me. I still at least partially believe the man named Dave is a polygamous spy. And what’s more, my counsellor wasn’t unconvinced either.

I generally say to new gentleman contacts that I need a “good morning” and a “goodnight” from them as a minimum. And anything else in between is a bonus. I take the time to explain my mental ill health and my insecurities. Yet time and again within a very short space of time I’m being left in the dark. I believe if someone genuinely wants to be with me they should be prepared to make a degree of effort and set aside at least a small portion of their day to prioritise just me. Their silence speaks volumes. A blanket text telling me they won’t be in contact they’re busy just doesn’t cut it. For all I know that could mean they’re with another woman. It totally underestimates my insecurities and trust issues.

I don’t understand how so many people get it wrong when it comes to communication. I even less understand why guys think I tell them how essential it is to me, and yet still leave me in the dark, or refuse to be upfront. I need honesty. I need detailed explanations. I need conversation. I need a little time invested to reassure me I’m important. Don’t forget about me then expect to take up where we left off. That’s all.