I believe I mentioned previously that I had dabbled with the the crap dating app again recently. It’s always a fine balance between starting enough conversations to account for losing a few fellas along the way, or just discovering you don’t actually like some, but not ending up with too many possibles and having to make a difficult decision who to keep and who to drop.

Well I seem to have that sorted this time around. Mr ‘I need you to send more pictures’ became increasingly more demanding until he pushed too far and frankly, really chuffed me off. With him out of the picture, I was left with one definite possible. Despite well meaning advice, taking things slow isn’t necessary the best advice for me. My experience tells me that nothing but prolonged online messaging can disguise all kinds of nasties. Like time wasters. And scammers. At least if I can meet someone in person I can verify they exist. And if they don’t stand me up or ghost me I can perhaps assume they’re genuinely keen.

It was only when I started reflecting on previous experiences that I realised how badly I’d been treated in the past, and how often. I know my mental health makes me vulnerable, and indeed my widowed status, but it’s a shocking list of catastrophes I’ve racked up in my quest to find love over the last five years. Nothing is as bad as being sexually assaulted by the first man I fell for after widowhood and a seven year period of celibacy. But the subsequent liars, cheats, ghosts, time wasters, scammers and thieves really haven’t been great for this girl’s confidence.

So ironically after saying many times, “I’m not dating Daves or Andys” I dispense with a Dave only to move on to an Andy. I hope I don’t live to regret it. The kind of cliches like, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is” are very present in my thinking. I can’t trust. Or I trust way too easily. No happy medium. At the end of the day I’ve been treated so poorly over so many years, I barely dare to believe that there could be a decent, genuine man out there who could love me right.

Lockdown is a ass for budding romance. I may prefer to meet sooner rather than later in normal circumstances but it’s not happening currently. I want so much to see if it’s as great in real life. And when he mentioned The V Word (Valentines) I nearly lost the plot. Dave’s idea of celebrating was sending me a Gif on WhatsApp. I’ve pretty much ignored that particular holiday since Andrew died. No one has cared that much since. I need to stop bursting into tears every time I’m paid a compliment. Heaven knows I need those affirming words and Andy (or Brian as he suggested I call him when he discovered I don’t date Andys) is so good in that department. Certainly wonderful for a girl’s self esteem. Just want to hug him and have a face to face. Sigh.

I guess we’re going to have to wait a little longer. Hopefully he won’t lose the plot with me in the meantime. And this romance in the air isn’t too good to be true. Watch this space.

👼🏻