This time last week I got back in touch with the man called Dave. Despite the very obvious facts staring me in the face, I was feeling lonely and wanted to talk with him. Filthy-Bloke-no-Longer-in-Stoke was doing what he does best; sod all, and yet again I had a sense that this is never going to be someone I can rely on. I am really aware of all the reasons why I should stay away Dave, but as I’ve said before, I still regard him as my person. Or I did at least.

The chat was flowing, our own little private jokes a plenty, and at one point I had asked him if he fancied meeting for a drink next time he was local. He’d agreed and we’d chatted on happily. I referred a couple of times to how I have changed since we split in October and he seemed surprised but not put off. It was all very pleasant. He asked if I missed our kinky lifestyle. I said I didn’t, that what I really need right now is some genuine affection. He didn’t really know how to respond. It’s unlikely to ever be something he could offer. But we talked on. It felt comfortable.

The following day I was in a more reflective mood. We continued to chat but I brought up that we were not able to meet each other’s needs. That in fact I compromised my own needs for two years trying to make him happy, but he still wanted our mate. In a classic Dave response he said he didn’t know what I was talking about, and I’d definitely been overthinking. I replied he always accuses me of overthinking when he doesn’t like what I say. I told him that’s called gaslighting. And I mentioned, for reference it wasn’t just me who knew he wanted to get alone with our friend, she and her partner knew it too, and so did the readers of my blog.

Consequently, I heard no more from him, because let’s face it, conflict resolution requires an element of emotional literacy, of which he has none. I know I’ve gone back to him in the past, but I feel like something has changed, something gave on a deeper level, and I can’t imagine needing him anymore. Maybe it was calling out the gaslighting. It’s something he’s done before but I’d not been aware or strong enough to challenge. It’s such a toxic behaviour.

And at the point I decided not to waste anymore of my life on a man who doesn’t appreciate me, is unable to love me, and makes me believe no one else could love me either. And I put myself back on the crap dating site. Someone has to see my potential, surely?

I have chatted with a handful of men, some with nicer manners than others. I had been chatting with two potential guys, but I began to suspect one is just after photos. But the other seems genuine and he’s doing my self esteem the power of good. I didn’t fully realise how broken I am, when being given a compliment reduces me to tears. Every time. Really looking forward to meeting him in person. Trying to arrange a socially distanced walk when one of us can barely walk is fun though. Watch this space.

Since New Year I have rid myself of three toxic people. And it feels great. Such negativity is draining. And I’m open to what the future holds. There’s space in my life and my heart. I’m ready.