I’m aware it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything here. There’s no particular reason for that, other than I continue to struggle with depression constantly, so achieving anything other than survival is a pipe dream most of the time. That’s not to say there haven’t been changes and a handful of small victories since I last published in November.

I finished my counselling at RASAC in January. This was particularly gut wrenching for me, as I had built up such a good rapport with my therapist and we both knew I needed more sessions, but there was no way the charity were prepared to fund any more. As it was I had been seen for a year when they usually limit sessions to six months. This was the counsellor who was honest enough to tell me that yes, it’s possible I will need therapy for the rest of my life. He just seemed to totally get me and I could tell him anything. I still miss having that weekly outlet.

Having said that, I am due to start counselling with a different organisation on Monday. I am somewhat anxious. I’ve heard very mixed experiences of this charity and their counsellors. I’m trying to be positive. But they haven’t managed to find me a male therapist as requested so I’ve agreed to seeing a female. I hope she’s open-minded! Also I’m trying not to be put off by their describing their service as ‘Christian Counselling’, but if I get a whiff of judgement I’ll be out of there as fast as my fat, disabled little body physically can.

So I have also started lithium therapy for my bipolar recently. It’s not the nicest drug. You need regular blood tests to check your levels and it can affect your thyroid function, so that needs checking too. In addition to that it can be pretty toxic if your levels are raised and it’s then necessary to access urgent medical attention. Thankfully the only unpleasant effect I’ve had so far is trembling hands, which is really common. And it’s mostly not too problematic. Unfortunately as yet I haven’t seen any noticeable improvement in my depression. My psychiatrist is keen for me to get out and do more. Which is great in theory, but in reality just sees me more exhausted than ever, and additionally I’m experiencing more and more panic attacks. I feel utterly defeated most of the time.

In an important meeting with my son’s social workers and foster carers it was decided that he will stay with his lovely family post 18 in the summer for his gap year. With my health continuing to be unpredictable, it was decided that staying put was absolutely the best thing for him. That was hard. I know he’d prefer to be at home, so I felt like I was letting him down all over again, but he took it graciously. I’m so blessed to have such an amazing young man for my son.

The one thing I’m really proud of that I have accomplished recently was a course at the Recovery College entitled Recovery Storytelling. It was over four Fridays in Southampton 10am-4.30pm. Those of you who know me will understand what a challenge that was for me. I don’t do mornings, I don’t drive where I don’t know, and I rarely am able to focus on something for that long. Yet I pushed myself (harder than I can express) to do those exact things four weeks running. And there was homework! The course was designed to teach us to be able to share our mental health journey as an inspiration to others, so by its very nature was emotional and potentially triggering. There were so many moments when I considered packing it in. But I didn’t. I earned my certificate.

I’ve also done a limited amount of creative writing at Mind. Unfortunately it was running at the same time as the Recovery Storytelling, so it wasn’t my priority at that point, but it was still enjoyable when I managed to attend. Likewise choir has taken a bit of a backseat this term; obviously I missed four weeks while on my course, but anxiety has also stolen my confidence on a number of sessions. It was good to be there yesterday, despite many tears (thanks panic attack), even though I was utterly exhausted after.

My love life (or lack of one) continues to entertain and amuse. I saw a guy in Chichester a couple of times just before Christmas who turned out to still be very much in love with his ex wife. Then I connected with a gentleman on Tinder who spent Boxing Day watching TV with me at mine and slept on my sofa – who I’ve not heard from since. I had a lovely reunion with Sunny in January for a wonderfully pleasant one off. Since then I have messaged a series of blokes from Match or Tinder without much luck. I did meet one of them recently, but after nearly four weeks messaging I dumped him this week (as politely as I could). It just wasn’t right. There has been one man who’s remained constant throughout most of this, who I message or speak to most days. But as a mate. He’s very protective and has a way of making me spill my guts when I’m stressing about something. I’m not saying there isn’t attraction there, there is, mutually, but it’s not something we’ve really acted upon. I’m keeping an open mind.

Well I think that’s the significant events of the last few months. Many thanks for reading.

👼🏻