After writing on Saturday I was, to be honest, unsettled. I post on my blog, first and foremost because it’s therapeutic. It helps me process things. My last piece however just left me feeling slightly empty and a tad perturbed. I read and reread it, in the hope I would see in it some glimmer of insight as to what I should do – continue messaging a man who clearly has no respect for me, avoids commitment and is emotionally unavailable, or risk my fears, walk away and go it alone.

I think it’s telling that I have for months referred to the man as Dangerous Dan, because of the above mentioned qualities. In addition he, to me, seemed sexually dangerous, always a bit of an unknown quantity and certainly relentlessly pushing my boundaries. Now I admit, I like things a little out there, but there’s out there and there’s just plain humiliating. As I talked with my therapist yesterday, I reflected that there was a moment of clarity for me when Dan and I were sexting on Friday. Dan was encouraging me to tell him my fantasy, while he responded, “Then what?” At one point after this question I noticed we were both typing simultaneously in response to this question, and whilst my response was, “Hold me until we’re ready to start over again” his was, “Pee on you”. Something crystallised for me in that moment, how poles apart our desires were, and I felt horrible. Disrespected.

I can write just about anything, but getting me to talk about it out loud is something utterly different. So when I rocked up at RASAC yesterday to see my lovely counsellor, I decided to read Saturday’s blog post to him instead of just ad libbing it. Even that is easier than bringing up difficult topics from scratch. Afterwards he asked how I felt. I told him – totally vulnerable. It’s probably the most open I’ve been with him, and that’s saying something! I’m always very honest, but I’m aware sometimes I stick to talking about the safer stuff. But in the hours since that defining moment on Friday I had made the decision not to contact Dan, aware that he rarely initiates the dialogue between us; and after therapy yesterday I sent him a simple message saying that I don’t want to be with him and not to contact me again. I’m aware he’s probably working on his strategy of how best to respond right now, because as my counsellor and I discussed, he’s clearly a very intelligent and manipulative man, but I am standing strong on this.

My counsellor even described Dan’s methods as grooming me. That made feel physically sick. And made me think long and hard. He had destroyed my confidence, my self esteem, and I had begun to truly despise the person I was when I let him into my head and life. I am so proud to say, I have ditched Dangerous Dan, and this time there’s no going back, no matter how horribly alone I feel.

And obviously, me being me, horribly alone is so truly scary, I’ve gone back on a dating website already. Just a bit of friendly chat and banter to make the evenings pass a little more pleasantly. Redefining what I’m prepared to say and do (and send pictures of) because the new reinvented Angel only does what she wants to do and feels good about. A little quote popped up on my Facebook timeline yesterday, that said, simply, “I have the power, right now, to decide what I want to do” and it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I so needed to hear that yesterday, and mulling things over with my therapist was enough to make me take that phrase as a notion and turn it into an action.

Interestingly some of my friends contacted me after reading Saturday’s blog, to basically tell me I’m doing well. I so didn’t feel it at that point, but it was their belief in me also that made me realise how down on myself I had become. One said (give or take), “It’s such a shame you don’t like yourself as much as your friends do”. That got me. So a bit of self care is my current aim. Without Dan in my head I predict that’s going to be about 100% easier.

Thanks for reading.

👼🏻