Hey! It’s been a fair while, and for that I apologise. I’ve been paralysed by a goodly dose of depression again, and doing much more than merely exist has been a challenge. I’ve wanted to write on a number of subjects, but motivation is gone, inspiration limited and creativity nil.

When I first started blogging, I included in my bio a little about my Christian faith, and how it links with my online alias Angel. It is something I have not majored on in my writing, but something I refer back to from time to time. I’ve made no secret of the fact that it is something I have grappled to make sense of over the last couple of years, but things now feel like they have come to a head. It is something I discuss endlessly with my counsellor and he has identified how it currently brings a lot of conflict and dissatisfaction to my life and I need to find some resolution for my own peace of mind.

I had a conversation with a good friend from church last week about focusing on truth rather than our feelings. But that assumes the Bible (in its entirety) is the truth, that Christianity is the truth. The way and the only way. What if I doubt that right now though? Ah, well apparently that’s where faith comes in. So I can’t trust my feelings, but I’m expected to accept by faith teachings that no longer sit well with my principles and feel alien to my logical thinking. Reject sense in favour of faith. I’m not sure.

That’s the trouble though. I’m not sure about anything. I’ve never been a black and white thinking sort of person. To me everything is grey, and presently more blurred than ever. But the faith that has served me well for the last thirty years now seems problematic. I’ve always been utterly dismayed that Christians are often portrayed as spewing judgement and hate. And I’ve met a few in real life too who resemble the Pharisees of the Bible much more than they do Jesus. I don’t want to be associated with those people or that stereotype.

I had a conversation earlier this year with a woman who worked in the nail bar I used to use. We met on about three occasions and got on well. At one point I mentioned that I went to a very fundamentalist church, and how my then lifestyle was not in line with what was expected of me. She asked me, “So you’re homophobic then?” I flinched. Until the last year or so ago I didn’t really have LGBTQ+ friends, so it was an issue I had not had to confront. I just went with the Bible said it, so it must be right. But it never really sat well with me. I remember a song lyric from my youth that asked, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?” I think I get it now. Why is who we love such an issue?

I’m one of the least homophobic or judgemental people I know. I accept anyone. I’ve been told I attract ‘freaks and weirdos’ because I cannot find it in my heart to turn people away. I’m not perfect, so why would I dream of judging anyone else?

My counsellor actually recommended getting in touch with the local gay community, not because I’m questioning my sexuality (I’ve always known it’s a little blurred around the edges) but because I would encounter people who accept me. What does that say about my experience of the church? I am extremely vulnerable because of my mental health, but the church feeds my insecurity instead of offering reassurance. It’s a very sad place to find myself in. How much suffering is one individual able to endure? I feel I’ve exceeded my quota. And guilt. Christianity is laden with it. I so don’t need anymore of that sh*t!

Of course the Bible also warns against relationships with a partner of a different faith or none. This has been an issue to me this year. I understand the logic here to some extent, but having been married to a fellow Christian previously who emotionally destroyed me, I guess I’m curious what could be worse. And that same question that Andy Bell posed in my teenage years pops up again, about causing an individual to give up the one they love. Why? Why can’t we just give a little respect? Live and let live. I do feel in the nine years I have been widowed I have given God every opportunity to provide me a good Christian husband. But no, and it seems the only guys who find overweight, pierced, tattooed and pink haired attractive are of Muslim origin. So yes, I admit, I have found acceptance with a man who doesn’t share my faith tradition.

There is more. I could elaborate further the points of doctrine I am struggling with, but I am not sure it would help. Because of recent changes in the church I attend (ie, the minister being asked to leave and the decision not to replace him) I don’t feel like I have a trusted spiritual mentor. Today I found myself in a different church and that felt easier. Soothing rather than unsettling. It’s not a long term logistical solution at present, but it is certainly something I will be considering.