I’m really not sure where to start with this one. My head is all over, and again there’s a man involved. If you read my last post you’ll know I had casual sex with two different guys within a few days of each other as a bit of a reaction to discovering ‘Lucas’ (the Internet con man I wasted three months fawning over) wasn’t at all who I believed he was. The first guy was very pleasant, the second slightly perturbed me somehow and I had deactivated my online dating account to avoid him.

Well things in my life seem to have a habit of going tits up, so when I got a message from Guy 1 saying he’d met someone he really wanted to be with and couldn’t see me again, I was absolutely gutted. For about an hour. Then the crazy mood kicked in again. I went back on the dating site and reconnected with Guy 2 (plus started numerous other flirty / filthy chats with assorted other men). Guy 2 seemed very pleased to hear from me and we started chatting again first online then on the phone. Within a fairly short space of time he’d invited me for car sex(!) after he’d finished work one night. I spent all the day deliberating, talking to myself as rationally as I could (whilst hypomanic again), telling myself this was a bad idea. But long story short, it didn’t stop me.

I have to say it turned out to be a bit of a hilarious experience (more so for me than him!) as I’m fairly certain we ended up in a wooded car park used by doggers! I was just amused by this (typically hypo) where as he seemed quite anxious and wrote off the idea of doing the full deed in favour of a little light relief. We both however conceded this was probably an episode best not repeated. When I woke up the next day and my back was near seized and agonising, that seemed like an even wiser decision. I’m no spring chicken. My first attempt at in car intimacy can exist in history as a stand alone incident.

So in the subsequent couple of weeks I have seen Guy 2 again twice for crazy, passionate, hurried sex. He works long unsocial hours and lives in where he’s employed with no privacy whatsoever; but we’ve continued to get to know each other, albeit very gradually via phone, messenger and in the snatched moments we have together. Or more accurately he’s got to know more about me. So far he’s told me very little about himself, and I’m still working up the confidence to ask more. The scared, cynical part of me says I could be anyone, all he’s really looking for is a place to live. But other times I look at him and see a complete vulnerability, that although we’ve barely touched on, he’s been brave enough to show me.

Sometimes he still scares me. There’s an edge to him. But whatever it is about him that  frightens me, also ramps up the attraction I feel. It turns me on – big time. I’m guessing this is (probably) not the stuff of lasting relationships, but I like him, and not just because of the sex. After my initial doubts, I feel good about myself when I’m with him. I’ve deactivated my dating profile again, and am chatting only with him now. I guess time will tell.