There’s so much going on in my head right now. And I’m finding it incredibly difficult to think anything nice about myself. My therapist at RASAC told me to reflect and analyse, learn lessons, but try not to beat myself up. This is proving to be much easier said than done. In fact I have found unkind names drifting into my mind on a regular basis, and they just seem to fit. Slut is a popular one right now.

The night I rejoined the dating website last week I was chatting simultaneously with two guys; the one I spent Friday night with, and a second who I had set up a coffee date with for Monday. Well Monday ended up being Tuesday and the coffee shop ended up being a pub, but long story short, we ended up in my bed Tuesday afternoon. And the most alarming part of this for me, is I’m not exactly sure how or why. As I try to make sense of it there are parts of Tuesday afternoon that remind me very much of being with Andy last summer. My inability to actually say, “No, this isn’t what I want”, and the way I felt disrespected. Equally there were scary reminiscences of being groped as a teenager by my mother’s boyfriend. That same feeling of being powerless to do anything, as the much more experienced man knows that they are causing a natural physiological response in your body and are using it 100% to their advantage. Feeling quite sick now even as I consider it.

So here I am. Up until a week ago only three partners throughout my life, and then in the last seven days I’ve managed to add another two to the quota, and both of them complete strangers at that. I don’t normally do this. I’m turning into the kind of girl your mother warned you about. Worse still I feel like I’m turning into my own mother; the only difference being I don’t have a husband at home like she did.

Since discovering last week that I’d been sucked in by an online fraudster, I have experienced horrific ‘rapid cycling’ as it is known in Bipolar circles. I’m not saying that this is the sole cause of my recent behaviour, but the drastic mood swings absolutely haven’t helped, and my judgment has certainly been skewed. Literally within the same day I can be in floods of tears or bouncing off the walls. Emotional stability seems way beyond my reach right now. 

Today I deactivated my account on the dating website again. For my own wellbeing. The guy who stayed with me Friday has my number, I am happy to stay friends with him, and possibly get together again if he wants to. The second guy I have basically left high and dry, didn’t tell him I was going, as I knew he’d pester me for a number, and although it feels like a cowardly way out, I genuinely don’t have anything to say to him at the moment. He does of course know where I live, but I will deal with that if and when it becomes an issue. As far as I’m concerned, Tuesday afternoon should never have happened; but it did and I can’t turn the clock back. Not that that stops the recriminations.

I’m aware that friends and certain of the professionals who know me are very concerned about my mental health and general vulnerability. Sadly not those directly responsible. Those I have lost faith in. But that’s a whole other post.

👼🏼