Ok, so haters are going to hate, but what I don’t need right now is judgement. I have been through a lot. Not just in the last year, but throughout my life, and I have made no secret of the fact that I have struggled with my faith as a result of this. While I believe it is only by God’s grace I am still here, I just wonder how much one person is expected to go through.

Anyway there’s a concept known as Widow’s Fire. It refers to the overwhelming sexual desire and loneliness experienced by those who have lost a partner. I’m not sure if this is an actual thing or not. Is it really worse in widows than for others who for whatever reason find themselves in a period of unwanted celibacy? I’m not sure. I appreciate particularly whilst dealing with grieving children alone perhaps opportunities for intimacy are massively reduced. That’s real. But there have been minimal moments when I have felt overwhelmed by this desire.

Of course, also thrown into my melting pot is Bipolar Disorder. When I experience hypomania my sex drive increases beyond belief. Also judgement becomes impaired, so I am much more likely to take risks. Additionally, in times of stress, whilst it may seem logical that my mood would be lowered, this is not always the case. In fact traumatic or difficult times often throw me into hypomania. So I was not entirely surprised following events earlier this week, did I find my mood soaring. Within 48 hours of discovering I’d been duped by a con artist I was back on the dating site where he’d targeted me looking for someone new. It’s just what I do when I’m high.

Within a very short space of time I was having a filthy conversation with a cute looking guy, and as things progressed I realised he actually wanted more than just the conversation. I decided to sleep on it. Probably the only sensible thing I have done in the last few days, but messaged him the next day, basically saying I was up for sex if he still was. I did put some conditions on it, but basically invited him to stay. Last night. I asked a total stranger to come and stay in my flat with the sole intention of sleeping with him. This is not how I generally behave. And my moral compass tells me I should feel bad right now. But I don’t.

I am totally aware how irresponsible my behaviour my was, I just didn’t care. In the face of hypomania and such intense loneliness and sexual frustration it seemed like a perfectly reasonable action. I did notify three friends of what I was doing and alerted them should I send an SOS. I’m not recommending anyone should hook up with online strangers. But actually, it turned out to be a very pleasurable and healing experience for me. A la Marvin Gaye.

He was actually a very sweet and considerate man. I’m under no illusions that it’s just sex, but right now my poor battered heart is happy to give a relationship a miss in favour of some simple physical intimacy. As I often say, I may or may not live to regret this, but right now I’m happy.

👼🏼