Oh gosh! This last month has taken me on a heck of a journey emotionally. Beyond my comfort zone is the understatement of the century. I feel like I’ve been flung into a foreign land, where I don’t know the language and I’m unfamiliar with the culture. But kind of in a good way. Scary, but good. I think. 

Little did I anticipate when I signed up to Match after Christmas, in a fit of hypomania, that I may actually meet someone special. Usually the process goes, I’m high, I believe I’m suddenly irresistible, I join a dating site, I discover I’m not irresistible, I break my heart over how I’m unloveable and undateable, I leave the website, I recoil into my safe place of being alone. If I withdraw from the possibility of being wanted and loved then I can’t be rejected, I can’t get used or abused again, I won’t get hurt. And I close down any opportunity of possibly meeting someone. Except this time, something happened unexpectedly to break that cycle. I connected with someone.

At first it was mutual attraction to each other’s pictures and profiles, then we began to email every couple of days or so, and right now we’re messaging each other for various periods of time 3-4 times a day. He wakes me up every morning with a “Good morning beautiful” and although we’re taking things incredibly slowly (partly at my request, and partly because his perception into my vulnerabilities is second to none) I am feeling cautiously optimistic. We’ve been planning our first date. The anticipation feels so good. I’m trying to allow myself to relax into the process and just enjoy every moment. I am trying to keep both my hopes and my fears in check. 

Juggling my emotions however has been tricky. Overwhelming at times. The old demons that tell me, “You don’t deserve to be happy”, “He’s just going to screw you and dump you”, “You’re not good enough for him” have been having a field day. This week I started counselling back at RASAC. I’ve realised since Andy assaulted me last summer that I struggle with my own personal and ‘body’ boundaries. This has already been tested in the new relationship, and I’m proud to say I was able to express when uncomfortable about something. It didn’t feel good standing my ground at the time, but I’m trying to take on board the ‘my body, my rules’ ethos, so that I don’t have to keep living with the shame of agreeing to stuff I’m not really happy about, or ready for. Having been violated in the way I was last summer, this is huge progress for me. If this new relationship is going to work, it’s going to have to be at my pace. While I want to make my guy happy, I’m not prepared to do it at the expense of my own wellbeing, or moral code.

I also had the joyous experience (not!) this week of having a procedure known as a flexible sigmoidoscopy (ie. a camera inserted into the lower part of my large bowel via my bum!) Whilst I’m sure no one wants to hear the details of said procedure, it is fair to say I was more than a little anxious. In fact I was beside myself. To be fair, I’m guessing it’s not anybody’s idea of a fun day out, but for someone who a few months before was repeatedly anally penetrated against their will, it was about as triggering as things can get. I opted for the highest level of sedation going. But again, I’m proud to say that I got through it somehow, and I didn’t even cry until I got home to the friend who had agreed to look after me overnight. 

Getting little messages reminding me to get plenty of rest, make sure I try to eat something (when I haven’t really felt like it) and just generally knowing that somebody cares deeply about my wellbeing has really given me a boost. I’m so cautious about the prospect of trusting a man again after a difficult marriage, a long period on my own then the catastrophe that was Andy. Oh and a history of CSA of course, but I’m trying hard to keep an open mind without allowing myself to be at risk. That’s probably a tricky enough balancing act for someone without Bipolar, but for me, well yeah! My new counsellor acknowledged this. I think he and I will be able to work well together. I think it’s important for me to have that therapeutic relationship with a man. It is something I’ve missed since losing Ian as my nurse – a male figure I can actually trust and confide in. 

Well, it’s early days, but I’m ready to see where things go. I will, as always keep you posted. 👼🏼