I saw my psychiatrist recently. I had requested to see her, as I am not convinced my mood stabilizer is keeping me as stable as I could be. In fact I’m not sure it’s stabilising me much at all. So I asked for a review of my medication. 
I told her all the stuff I have been achieving with my singing and the various groups at Mind I have been attending. I told her how my CPN had praised me for working really hard at keeping as well and stable as possible, using mood monitoring, self care, emotional coping skills, accessing appropriate support and sticking to a rigid bedtime routine. However despite all these things, along with faithfully taking my meds, I still feel at the mercy of brain chemistry. My moods still feel all over the place and beyond my control. It takes so much strength each day just to achieve the minimum. I showed her the graphs from my mood monitoring. I pleaded my case, but could already sense I was getting nowhere fast. She claimed my fluctuations in mood are down to my ’emotional instability’ rather than my bipolar disorder and recommended I work on my emotional coping skills further and access support more regularly. When I asked about the more intensive psychological work that had been suggested when I did the emotional coping skills course, I was told the psychology department was already overstretched but that my nurse could do some DBT work with me. She told me I was expecting too much of my medication; then went on to prescribe Diazepam to help cope with distress.
The strange thing is, I never said I was struggling with distress or intense emotions, the symptoms I am battling with day on day are classic bipolar mood fluctuations. Yes, I experience rapid cycling, yes I have mixed moods but that doesn’t mean I don’t have bipolar. If she had the guts to say what she’s incinuating, that is, that I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (alongside bipolar) I would be eligible for more support from the psychology department in developing my ECS skills (more in-depth group sessions) but by saying I have traits of emotional instability she relinquishes both her responsibility to treat my unstable bipolar (with a different medication) and the responsibilities of the psychology department to support me further. Am I cynical? You bet I am. It is a consequence of feeling utterly invalidated by my consultant and having my opinion and experience ignored. To say I’m disappointed and disillushioned is an understatement. I was so devasted at the feeling of being written off that I couldn’t stop crying for three days. I try so hard to keep everything together and it felt like such a kick in the teeth.
I allowed myself that time to lick my wounds, to absorb the sense of hopelessness and then I began to feel my fight returning. I may hate what has been said, and the lack of any real support being forthcoming, but I’m damned if I’m going to roll over and die. 
I will keep battling on, even if some days that means a PJ day, because that’s all I can manage. I’ll keep taking the meds, despite being unconvinced of their effectiveness. I’ll stick to my bedtime routine, avoid alcohol, monitor my moods, use my ECS skills, my breathing exercises and mindfulness and all the other things I have woven into my daily life just to ensure I stay alive and as well as possible. I’m not giving up. I just pray that one day I will find things are less of an uphill struggle and I will look back on my determination and pure bloody-mindedness with a sense of pride in how far I’ve come. 
Thanks for reading 👼