Firstly, I can only apologise to those who follow for the lack of new content appearing here in months. There are a couple of reasons for that; firstly, I have been working hard on my own recovery and coping strategies as I come to terms with the business of living with Bipolar, and secondly, I have been struggling to tap into my creativity since mood stabilisers. It has become an illusive ally, visiting fleetingly, before abandoning me to a barren place again. And in real terms, the illness, the medication and the effort required just to exist and manage my moods, even to some extent, is absolutely exhausting in its own right. 

Not that this existence is all gloom and doom. I don’t want to give that impression. I have taken some huge steps forward on this ongoing journey, and not only that, but have begun to recognise the progress I am making, and realising that I am the only one who can take the credit for that. I have moments of pride in myself. Usually followed by floods of tears as this is such an alien emotion!

I finally bit the bullet and had an assessment for counselling with RASAC. I was told then to expect a wait of 5-6 months before actually commencing counselling. Within around 6 weeks the call came informing me a counsellor was available to see me. I was a bit in shock, and very hesitant to go ahead at that time because my mood had taken a severe down turn, and I was concerned if I could maintain my safety if I started trawling up the pain of past experiences. But I chatted with the receptionist, explained my concerns with her, and ultimately decided I would meet the counsellor, talk through my worries and make a decision with her help if I wanted to proceed, or go back on the waiting list for a while. I knew I needed the counselling, I just wasn’t 100% sure of the timing. I was even offered the opportunity to give it a few weeks trial and see what I thought then. At first I was still pretty uncertain, and although the counsellor was kind, I didn’t know if we were going to click, but in a short space of time I decided I was in it for the long haul. 

It hasn’t been easy, but I don’t regret my decision. It has just taken a while for me to build rapport with the counsellor, and to test out if they are trustworthy. Only 3 months in am I beginning to discuss my experiences more freely. My counsellor described me as ‘a woman who is beginning to take back control of her life’recently. And I can see it, in glimpses starting to emerge.

After a time of considerable reflection, I told my psychiatrist that I was unhappy with the very limited effect the mood stabilisers were having, so about 6 weeks ago she agreed to increase the dose. Within days I felt much better mood wise, and despite the odd mild dips and peaks, I have mostly continued to feel ok, except for the chronic physical exhaustion. I just want to sleep. All the time. Or at the very least conduct life from my bed. But I do try to do as much as I can manage. It’s a balancing act. I even started going to the gym, hoping for the illusive promised increased energy that comes with exercise. I thought it might come with time. But then my lovely, understanding, motivational instructor upped and left suddenly, and I now feel less inspired to return than ever. The same with eating more healthily. I managed to cook from scratch, increase fruit and veg intake, cut out unhealthy snacks and so on, but for a short while, before the energy and motivation dissipated completely. Am trying not to beat myself up, but it does seem I can only manage so much, and not much at all in reality, before the exhaustion starts to affect my mood again.

On a different note, my son, who is now half way through year 11, so approaching GCSEs, moved to a new foster home last November. He is so settled there, and it has been a joy to watch him interacting with a family of 2 parents, and their grown up children. For a young man who lost his Dad when aged 8, and who has always been desperate for a sibling, it’s like a dream come true. Coinciding with his move, he was also assigned a new social worker, who is so laid back compared to the previous ones, it has had a knock on affect on our relationship. Suddenly I can telephone the foster carer directly, rather than through Children’s Services and make small changes to our contact visits without their intervention. We were able to go away together for Christmas, and to a funeral of a friend recently which involved a couple of nights away from home. Then it was suggested that in addition to having him overnight to stay here once a month, we could add in every Sunday night as well. Have only done the one so far, and will have to see how it goes, but it’s all good. He constantly inspires me, but I’m biased. But even his head of year at school described him as,’the most resilient young man I have ever met’. 

One final point to mention is in the form of an anniversary. It was a year recently since I last self harmed. I am still astounded I’ve been clean that long! Really proud of myself, because it’s not like the urge seems to go away, but I’m resisting, and it is lessening.

I feel almost uncomfortable posting a piece that seems so heavy on me blowing my own trumpet. Awkward. It’s not what I do. But I do believe the work I have been doing at RASAC and with my CPN is beginning to help me make positive changes. At last.