Thank you for bearing with me as I share a little more of the progress I have made and situations I have faced in the past couple of weeks in such close succession to my previous blog. I am hoping the fact that I am so excited about what’s going on will be enough to keep readers interested despite the slight overkill of two posts in twenty-four hours! Having dealt with the frivolous earlier, now for the nitty gritty.

As I mentioned previously, I had been invited to attend an assessment at the Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling services at the beginning of September. Having taken the massive step of finally admitting I needed the help of a specialist counsellor, and that now was the right time, actually facing the prospect of going for assessment was terrifying me. I didn’t relish the thought of going through the gory details with a stranger. Again. Because having been for counselling before, and been grilled by various professionals in the world of psychiatry and psychology more times than I can shake a stick at, it all felt very wearying. If I can keep those memories and feelings suppressed for the majority of the time, I can sort of cope. Of a fashion. And going through it all again means facing up to the reality of the pain, the shame, the self-hatred, and frankly, I feel like I have the T-shirt.

However, despite my significant anxiety, I got myself to the appointment, unsure whether my CPN who had said he would be my moral support buddy if he could possibly make it, would be able to attend or not. When he didn’t appear, and hadn’t been in contact, I went on in alone. The assessment was much as I had anticipated, emotionally gruelling but I managed to detach myself enough from my responses to cope. When my phone started frantically vibrating from inside my bag I tried hard to ignore it, but in the end I was asked would I like to answer it. When I did, I discovered RASAC’s website still listed their previous location and that’s where my CPN was, waiting for me to appear. I calmly told him I would speak to him later and not to worry, so a short while later when I heard him arrive and be refused entry because of the highly sensitive and confidential nature of the services provided, I just ended up laughing out loud, at which point, finally I persuaded the highly cautious staff to let him in. It did relieve the tension somewhat and is something I don’t intend to let him live down for a good while!

One thing I had to do was complete a questionnaire to judge my current mental state and level of stability. I had done a similar one when I finished the Emotional Coping Skills course run by the CMHT in March and I was astounded that although I didn’t physically have that one to compare with, I remember my responses were very much different back then. Despite being able to identify that I am still significantly unwell at present, I am in such a better place. My CPN particularly was pleased that I had recorded that ‘in the last week I had not thought at all that I would be better off dead’. I did point out in my darkly humorous fashion that it did only specify during the last week, but credit where it’s due, this is huge progress for me.

So, I have been added to an approximately five month waiting list for counselling at RASAC, but in the meantime qualify to attend a monthly support group for survivors of childhood abuse, and was recommended a book to read. And guess what? I went to the group on Monday and am working my way through the book. I have to take it steadily, some of the book has been extremely triggering, but I’m not giving up on it. The group, considering what it is, left me feeling incredibly optimistic and with a real sense of hope. I honestly never foresaw a day when I would go and share such horribly humiliating experiences with total strangers in a group setting, but I guess I am changing. I am at a point where I am prepared to give anything a go if there’s a chance it will aid my journey to increased stability. I hesitate to say recovery, but that is what I am ultimately aiming for. If I was ok for fourteen years previously, surely it could be possible again? 

I have also recently had an assessment at the Mind Wellbeing Centre, and have been put on the waiting lists for their self-esteem, self-confidence and creative writing groups. In the meantime I am able to attend their women’s group and bipolar support group. I confess just getting myself there felt like some sort of death-defying, high-adrenaline challenge, which having overcome was followed immediately by an imagined walk of shame into the building and the humiliation of discovering that the mother of my son’s best friend from primary school is one of the wellbeing coordinators there. It was bad enough being the social housing family at the school gates, but this? Oh, the shame! 

However, this is me trying desperately to gain back some control over my life and my future, so I’m putting aside those uncomfortable feelings and keeping my eye on the prize. At the women’s group this week I made a Chinese fan. Was I any better off for making a fan in a room full of ladies at varying stages of mental illness / wellness as opposed to staying at home and watching repeats of (the lovely) Sean Kelly on the telly? I’m not sure, but I guess at least it got me out and chatting with new people. 

On the whole recovery theme, I’ve obtained a copy of this year’s Recovery College prospectus. I have to say, I really benefited from the short courses I did last year, and am feeling up to maybe looking at something a bit meatier to possibly sink my teeth into. I do really enjoy the learning environment and being stretched and challenged in my thinking. It enables me to feel less like a patient and more like a person.

My other exciting news is with regards to the impending launch of Tempo in the Community in November. Maybe you remember I undertook a weekend training course back in March with Tempo Wellbeing to facilitate singing workshops? Things had been a bit quiet on that front until recently, but since meeting with Dan from Tempo in August when I was asked to become part of a team of four of the new trainees to head up a community project to take wellbeing through singing to mental health service users in the community who perhaps wouldn’t have the confidence to join a choir, things have been increasingly gathering speed! What particularly encouraged me was the way in which I was seemingly hand picked for the project, it was a significant boost to my self-esteem. It appears the lovely lady heading up the project suggested my involvement without hesitation, which was then equally speedily agreed by Dan. 

When we all got together for a planning meeting last week I stayed on after the others had gone, chatting with Karen who admitted she’d picked me as her right hand woman because of my empathy with other service users (and my desire to make the tea!) We chatted until late, my first face to face opportunity to chat with someone with the same diagnosis as me, but who had had a lot longer to get used to it than I. We exchanged stories of overwhelmingly similar experiences and behaviours to the point it was laughable – tears rolling down my cheeks laughable. There is something so incredibly valuable in shared experience.

In conclusion, I just want to point out one thing. Although I currently feel optimistic, and essentially so much better than I have done in a while, I can’t help but fear that actually this is a touch (or maybe more) of hypomania. Those familiar feelings of invincibility, unusual over-confidence, oodles of creativity and increased energy are bubbling away under the surface, hence the choice of title for this post. Not only do I feel I am shunning the comfortable I feel almost unstoppable! Enjoy the positivity or brace myself for the crash? 

Thanks for reading 👼🏼