A month ago I excelled myself. What I have discovered though, is that blogging about my positive experiences is considerably harder than writing about the more difficult times. To be fair, that is probably a reflection of my life in general. As a person who constantly battles with low self-esteem, poor self confidence and depression, seeing the worst in myself, and in general, seems to come much more easily. I naturally feel awkward if praised or paid a compliment, it doesn’t feel right or comfortable. So although I set myself tasks to challenge me beyond my current comfort zone, I still tend to feel somewhat awkward if others notice, and comment upon my successes. And hence this blog has been a work in progress for so long now.

Anyway, going back to the end of February. I attended a training course to become a future tutor with an inspiring organisation called Tempo Wellbeing Ltd. Even the act of applying had been a massive challenge for me. As my mood went up and down, so did the confidence in my ability to attend the course, let alone imagining myself taking on the role of a tutor within the organisation. Ever! I had dithered and deliberated over the forms for weeks, mainly uncomfortable with the need for two references. Having been out of work due to my health for so long, I just couldn’t think who to ask. It was only one evening when I mentioned it to my choir leader in the pub after practice, and she kindly and enthusiastically offered to be a referee for me, that things started to fall into place. That, coupled with some wonderfully encouraging emails from the team at Tempo, urging me to take that leap of faith, whilst assuring me that they would be there to catch me, were enough of an incentive to motivate me to finally apply.

Tempo Wellbeing first became known to me last summer when I had recently been discharged from an acute inpatient stay. I saw a psychologist from the HTT, and I mentioned to her I was thinking of joining a local community choir, as I felt it would be good for my mental health and wellbeing. She asked if I was aware that the health trust had just started running Recovery Choir Workshops at their inpatient units, and would I be interested in going back as an outpatient to attend? It was a no-brainier for me, in my world you don’t pass up free singing workshops! So my relationship with Tempo began.

After the first Tempo session I attended, I went back to the psychologist, totally sold out. My words to her were these, “They are so amazing and inspiring! I want to be a part of that, I feel so passionately about what they do. Even if I make the tea for those guys, I just want to be a part of it!” I had no inkling how that was ever going to happen, but when having signed up for their email updates, I saw they were looking for partners, I felt in my heart I would at some point be involved.

I continued attending Tempo workshops, and was fortunate enough to be able to spend part of World Mental Health Day with the team last October ‘on tour’. It was around this time they announced they intended to run training workshops in the future, so I registered my interest.

During my ‘shall I? / shan’t I?’ period of filling in the application forms then binning them again, I was approached by the guys at Tempo to ask if I would consider speaking at the training weekend, highlighting the positive effects of the workshops on my mental health from a service user’s point of view. I agreed, although I knew speaking to a group of strangers was way out of my comfort zone at the time. I felt it was important to push myself to do it, whether or not I attended the training myself, and if I approached it as an academic exercise rather than a personal goal, it may help detach some of the emotion around it.

I busied myself preparing a presentation for the training event, but my health was poor, with severe mood swings sending me flying high one day, then crashing down the next. The weekend before the Tempo Training, with my presentation still far from finished, my mood dipped so badly I could see no option but to take my own life. I gulped down a handful of Chlorpromazine tablets with a can of beer and pulled the duvet over myself. I had however, left a message for the Out of Hours team earlier, and it was at this point they decided to call back. In the end, when I managed to get a word in, I admitted what I had done, and after their consulting with A&E, an ambulance was sent. I had various tests, including a couple of ECGs, was put on a drip to bring my blood pressure up, given ‘the talk’ and sent home. I essentially slept from Sunday evening to Tuesday teatime, and all the while my presentation for the Tempo training weekend wasn’t getting finished.

In the end, when awake enough, I emailed the Tempo team and confessed that the presentation was unfinished, I had been in crisis and had taken an overdose, and that I had little idea how I was going to be, whether I would complete the presentation, be able to give it, be able to get there even. I felt awful letting them down, and was adamant that if I could possibly find a way to do this thing, I would do it to the best of my ability.

I was still finishing off the Harvard Referencing when I got the email to let me know that my time was about up, and the PowerPoint needed submitting for checking and Tempo-ifying. I tied up the loose ends, emailed it off, and waited anxiously for some sort of feedback. Was it what they wanted? Had I lost the plot completely and sent off utter drivel? Apparently not. I think the phrase ‘exceeded expectations’ was used. I sighed a huge sigh of relief. Then promptly started panicking about actually standing up in front of a room full of strange people and speaking it out!

I had booked myself into the hotel where the training was being held. I wanted to make everything as easy as possible for myself to give my full attention to the training and giving my presentation; so no unnecessary travelling, (even though it was quite local to home), no cooking or washing up, even my clothes were pre-selected. I knew the experience would most likely be emotional and tiring, due to my depression, so wanted to give myself the best chance of success.

It was a lovely weekend! The team of four who head up Tempo are such kind and genuine people, and the delegates (or future tutors as we were known), although from a diversity of backgrounds were wonderfully united in Tempo’s desire to improve mental wellbeing through singing. We just seemed to instantly gel, it was wonderful.

We spent the Saturday learning lots of theory, about acute mental illness, Dementia, safeguarding, how our voices work, and so on. After lunch I came to do my talk. I was so nervous. I had asked Kim from the Tempo team if she would come and help me with hitting the button to move on the PowerPoint. I discovered afterwards this was like asking the blind to lead the blind, but we muddled through somehow! My talk included my background, how I had come to be unwell currently, how I first discovered Tempo, how it had helped me, and a bit about how singing benefits healthgenerally, particularly mental health.

It was a little bit of a blur to be honest; I was so caught up in my nerves and emotions, but I sensed it had gone ok, if a bit longer than planned, and when I asked at the end if there were any questions, I was completely stunned when people started raising their hands not to question me, but to praise me for my honesty, courage, openness etc. in fact I was pretty overcome!

I chatted with another of the future tutors later when we had our break. Despite the positive feedback, I still had doubts about how appropriate some of the content was, and did I go on too long? She reminded me that in some ways it didn’t matter, that I had engaged with a room full of people, unknown to me before today, connected with them, kept them captivated and that that is a gift; content can be changed or not if needed.

At the end of the first day, I retired to the bar with my laptop and a small Guinness to do my homework, had a wonderful meal in the hotel restaurant, then retired to my room for a Lush bath, Casualty in my PJ’s and a box of Matchmakers. It was bliss.

The second day of the course was much more workshop based, and again, took me well out my comfort zone! Academic learning comes naturally to me, getting out my seat and actually having to do something is slightly terrifying! But with lots of laughs and encouragement from Team Tempo and the other future tutors, it was mostly ok, and even fun. I was aware how much I had to push myself, but that just made me feel more proud about achieving. Overcoming my fears, doubts and inhibitions just demonstrated how strong I could be. I was still emotionally exhausted at the end of the weekend, and was so relieved I had put precautions in place to minimise my stress, but I was, essentially grinning like a Cheshire Cat, because I had done it!

And to return to where I started; I felt proud. Although a little uncomfortably, I had accepted praise, and was able to acknowledge my accomplishments. And that felt good. Team Tempo have already asked me to speak again at their next training weekend (whenever that may turn out to be). That to me was the highest praise. Being asked back must be the ultimate compliment that what I did was what was required? I will allow myself to revel in that for a while……